Monday, December 28, 2009

Snow, snow, go away

OMG! I am sooo sick of Christmas stuff and this crappy weather. I don't know if I have the after Christmas letdown, SAD, or both. I feel stuck in this little apartment, going crazy. I can't even go outside for a small walk. I hope to God it doesn't snow any more. Kill me now.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!


so, just got back from the third , of our four Christmas parties. I"m quite surprised I haven't gone borderline. I'm keeping pretty calm. I get an assesment to see my old pdoc that moved to a different place in January. NOt preggo yet. Older sister is trying for a third(so annoying) Gonna try subbing after New Years again, along with my job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finances have been freakin my out, but got some Christmas money from family. Thank God. I'm really upset about my weight. I'm getting like this freakin pouch thing. Ugg. Has pristiq caused weight gain for anyojhe else? I"m only on 50 mg.?? I haven't killed my husband yet, then again he's off work 'til Jan. 4th. (for threee weeks)-so there's still time hee hee
I had a few meltdowns before and after the inlaws came over for supper, but my monthly finnally started and that has helped (gross, I know, but just saying how it is) Fingers crossed. Peace.

Heard about this at bible study...seriously

Check out the Fart Spelling Bee!

My new sweet "scene" haircut and color for Christmas

Saturday, December 19, 2009

update

All my gifts are bought and all the baking is done-FINALLY! My moods have been crazy lately, but I'm also having my in-laws and parents over at the same time this evening (aughhh!) Thank God Hubby is the sane one hee hee!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

soo...

I'm trying to not freak out about finances. I went to the gym twice this week and made it to work for the third week in a row(something I'm very proud of) I am having the in laws and parents over Saturday and hope I survive. My car is broken again! I can't friggin believe it. Our toilet is broken too. The maintenance guy came to fix it and left to get a part for it, but hasn't come back yet ...Breathe... My selective mutism really took over at bible study last night. I hate groups of people, but hubby likes them. ugg. I need to numb my face for two hours with EMLA for electrolis soon, so that maintenace man better hurry back. I'm pissy, 'cause I think I'm getting my period, so people will just have to deal with it or something. Thank god I have the gym to work out all my anxiety.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Oh, Christmas Tree


This is a pic I found from the site: There, I Fixed It.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

go, me, go!

-Christmas tree is up and decorated.

-Gifts are bought, wrapped, and under the tree.

-Items baked:

sugar cookies, white pretzels, peanut brittle, fudge with walnuts

-budget made with Hubby

-shampooed carpet

-bought Christmas crafts to do with nieces

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Brrrr!

It's starting to get really cold. We;re supposed to get two inches of snow tonight. My car is in the shop, so it's frustrating. I saw my new pdoc yesterday and I'm glad 'cuz it went very well. I'm gonna try Topomax to loose some of this stubborn weight. I'm still eating well and going to the gym, but sometimes being on psych meds makes it harder. I start tutoring tom, I'm excited. I'm glad it's December. I've been really busy lately, hence, not posting, but I like being busy (without being too over whelmed) and I finally got my um, well my AF came. Peace.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving


I was going to not go to a family party today, but I've been feeling a lot better so I'm gonna go. I've been very um... hormonal lately.
My thyroid test came back fine and it's exciting to start thinking about getting pregnant. HOpefully, my hormones will be all straightend out in a couple months.
I might start tutoring a little boy next week, but this time I"m demanding pay. I'll still be a home care aide (mostly cleaning), but I'm glad to be getting a more fulfilling extra job. Plus, I'll be doing the tutoring out in the community, and that always helps me.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Tami Green, anyone?

I found out about this amazing, speaker, adovate, and person with BPD while surfing youtube. Anyone with BPD or who has a loved one with BPD must check her out!

Update-whine time

I haven't blogged for a bit )I had been writing everyday. But, I'm extremely distressed. I think I have bronchitis again. THis is the second time this year. I went to the doctor Monday and I wnat to call them back to get some more pills and hve them listen to my chest, but I don't wqant to seem like a hypochonriac. I saw the nurse practitionor and it was very triggering. I was still upset when I saw my therpist Friday. I didn't want to get up today and participate in the day, but finally got up around 2pm. My husband is off work 'til the 30th and has lots of good plans, but once I start doing something, I have a cough attack. I don't want to make the couphing worse by going to the gym. I know it could be worse-I could be born without legs or have lung cancer. I'm just in the pits right know is all.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Feeel like crap

why? respiratory infection, mounting bills, had to see the bitch doctor, broke off part of my tooth while flossing-can't see dentist 'cause I'm sick, OCD is getting to me-'cant go to gym and get rid of the OCD anxiety 'cause sick, can't go to work to make money 'cause sick, right boob kills-?
I think I'll have a good cry.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It Made My Day

I found this really funny website called "IT Made My Day." You'll have to check it out.Here

Friday, November 13, 2009

Happy Birthday!



Happy Birthday, Brenda!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Stumbled , but didn't fall

I had a bad day yesterday. Today, however, I'm doing a lot better. It's a wonder how doing thirty minutes of cardio at the gym can make you feel. I also did it early in the morning, before work, which helps too. I"m still upset that I've got these small scabs on my face from my electrolisis apt, but I'm puttin on the Neosporin and trying not to worry about how it looks too much. Anywho, I'm up and awake and doin stuff. So, go me! :)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sorry, but

I am borderline and upset and sad and angry and sad again. Here goes some more msuic, blog therapy. I"ve been blog surfing and saw this on "Clinically Clueless" and this song really speaks to me at the moment.

in a slight funk


I'm just hanging out at home. My finding my identity thing is really challenging right now. I got a bit triggered last night. Damn BPD. I'm irritated because I can't get into my Webkinz account. I don't want to go to the gym because I had electrolisis done yesterday. I don't want to go out, 'cause all my pants are either dirty or need buttons put on. I'm just bummin with no energy. Hopefully, it will lift. ugg.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Challenge

I asked my therpaist today if I could see her in two weeks instead of next week. I've been seeing her once a week so far. She said that we could try it and find out how things go. This is a challenge for me for a few reasons. I have to now be super-uber mindful and on my game. Make myself go to the gym, beware of my emotions, and stay away from my triggers-these are a must. The place I go to for therapy is a private facility, so they don't have a crisis line or anything like that. Tuesday night was really difficult, and I thought all my work was going to go down the toilet. However, I recovered and grew from it.
I hope I can do it-work really hard on my borderline these next two weeks, but I feel pretty positive about it, which always helps.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Busy

I"ve been going to the gym and taking care of myself. I am a lot happier than I've beeen in a long while and me likey. Part of my borderline therpay is slowing down and doing things for myself. I tell ya, it's really helping. Even my relationships with other people are improving. The trick is, though, that I have to keep it up. That's the hard part, so I have to work hard.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Adult ADHD?

I was thinking about this lately-maybe I have it. It is sooo hard for me to slow down. I get distracted easily and it seems like I always have five things on my mind, unless I make a conscious effort to take my time and slow the heck down.

Or maybe I've had these symptoms lately 'casue I've been on the ole wonderful emotional borderline rollercoaster for so long. Something to think about.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

A conversation


"I'm bored."

"Then,go play or, you can help me was windows."

"I hate washing windows."

"Then go play."

"I can't"

"Why?"

"Because I can't"

"why can't you?"

"The other kids don't want me in the clubhouse."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why? Did you even ask?"

"No, but-"

"Go ask. You can't just say they don't want you to play if you don't ask."

"They won't. I just know it."

"NO, you don't know it. They might let you play. How are you ever gonna make friends if you don't go ask? They might like you. You don't know. Now go ask."

Then, the misunderstood, little girl picked up the nearest potted plant and threw it at her mother. She got five spankins for it.

More music therapy

Dear mom,
I hate you so much! rot in hell. You made me a bad person.
But, Please never give up on me and always call me back when I leave a message. I need you.

"borderline" song? Reminds of the book title " I hate you-don't leave me"

from: Not Very Talented.com

Friday, October 30, 2009

"you must be this tall to ride"


Yep, I've definitely jumped on the emotional roller coaster. Actually, I've been on it awhile. My triggers have included: not getting my period, my hormones being screwed up, being mad at myself for not losing weight, and having bronchitis, being isolated, and feeling lonely and unvalidated.
But, I think the first step for me to get off of it is to admit (gulp), I have been reacting like a six-year old. I am "borderline moody" and impulsive.
I HATE having to admit that. I've been blaming so many ohter things and other people for behaving the way I have. I haven't slown down to really acknowledge that I have the ability to control how I react to things.
Maybe, now I can begin that journey of trying to get off the roller coaster and find some peace.
I'll keep you updated.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Couldn't Sleep and was wondering...

Why???????????????????????????


Dearest parental units,

Mom,
We are never going to paint together from the Donna Dewberry book unless you learn the S.E.T. therapy method. You are my biggest bpd trigger, but won't learn shit about the diagnosis and you still think you have all the answers. Guess what? Having BPD doesn't make me a horrible person, even when I'm struggling. You are a stubborn pain in the ass, so we can't be friends. I will see you on the holidays and/or when the girls come over. Good bye and good luck

Dad,
YOu have bronchitis. Going to work will make it worse. Stop being such an asshat and take a week off-don't go to Nean's to work-rest. Working will only make it worse. It could even turn into pneumonia. Do you want that? You are even contagious. You are stubborn and proud and you piss me off. Grrrr.

Monday, October 26, 2009

wee tidbits about myself

1. I cuss like a sailor.

2. My mom called me "Reffers" when I was little. I don't know why.

3. I hate having my hair wet. However, I don't own a blowdryer, 'cuz I hate that feeling more(blowdrying my hair.)

4. I've only had my nails manicured once in my life (for my wedding)

5. I don't own any designer clothes.

6. I was raised Catholic, but left the Catholic church five years ago.

7. I hate cleaning the shower/tub. I don't mind cleaning the toilet, though.

What about you?

Bitch Session

I am late for my period by 16 days, but I've been taking HPT's but they're negative. Of course, I've also been going to a chiroprachtor, for Neurolink, but all I'm getting is black hairs on my chin (like I need more), from his adjustments.
question: WTF?

Also, when president Obama said he'd be getting troops out of Iraq, he forgot to mention to the world that he'd be putting them and more into Afghanistan. Again, WTF?

Why can't the media stop talking about the Gosselins? I am soooo sick of that family.

I have a problem with our bible study group Hubby and I have been recently going to. I cuss like a marine, soldier(whatever that saying is). I've already said, "dirty little whore" last week. I'm so scared I'll drop the "f-bomb." They all know their bible stories and don't watch cable and stuff. And I was raised Catholic. Houston, we have a problem.

People of Walmart are here boo ha ha


I'm sure a lot of people know about the website, People of Walmart. It's just pictures of uh, interesting? people at your local Walmart. We went there yesterday (Walmart) and it was like looking at the site. Told hubby that we needed to take our cameras there sometime and get some great pics for the site. For example, people in full camo outfits or wearing all kind of rebel flag crap.
But, personally, I think it's okay to wear your pjs to Wal-mart at 10:30 at night, I mean, it IS WalMart.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Halloween in a week checklist

carved a pumpkin-check

filled goodie bags-check

made a pie-check

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

S.E.T. therapy from bpdfamily.com

"So , I don't need a doctor's note to get pregnant?"...

Ha! My husband and I were very relieved and happy yesterday. We saw a non-biased specialist in the baby and psych med field. He was awesome. He told us the actual risks of having a baby on klonopin and wasn't an ass. He was very sensitive and professional. Yeah! (Just what we needed) He told us to definately find another obgyn, one we were comfortable with and could talk to...so we will.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Halloween Stuff


Made:
ghost and pumpkin cookies to give out
Still left to make:
Halloween trail mix
Gonna add:
halloween toys in the goodie bags
excited 'cause:
get to give said bags to friends and family
also excited 'cause:
both nieces are going trick or treating

Friday, October 16, 2009

"You need a doctor's note to get pregnant"

I had a great borderline breakthrough this evening. On September 11th, I went to see a obgyn (known to be one of the finest in the county). I was excited. My husband even came with me. We joked about the equipment as we waited in the examination room.
We were excited, yet nervous becasue I was having problems conceiving.
Anyway, the first thing he did was tell me that he didn't want me to "try" any more becasue I was taking klonopin ( a category d med). He then further berated me, making me feel like a fool and a crazy person. Not once did he ask why I was taking the medication, if I could come off of it. He was completely ignorant about mental illness, thus his outward stigma.
We went home and Hubby cried. He was in shock. I held it in, until this evening. I let myself feel the pain, the anger towards the doctor for being an ass, and the anger towards God for making me this way.
After voluntarily hospitalizing myself in the psych ward a couple weeks after that visit, feeling like cutting, acting like a six-year old, being mean and lashing out at my husband and others, making my life miserable and depressed... after all that, I finally let myself feel the pain I had been holding in since that visit.
Feeeling the pain wasn't fun, but the relief and outlook I had afterwards was better than any arm slicing and dicing, any self-inflicted depressive state I could put myself in, or any violence I could have caused.
Praise God I have the strength inside of me to deal with feeling so tormented for so long and being able to deal with it in a theraputic, healthy way (no matter how long ago the event was). This testimony is to give strength to all of us borderlines, suffering, in recovery, or otherwise. It is possible to get your happy back.

Friday, October 9, 2009

a joke I just made up

Random person: "so, what's your deal?"

Me: "yeah, I have selective mutism."

Random person: "So, what's that like?"

Me: "I don't wanna talk about it."

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Update on changes

I saw my new therapist yesterday. I really like her because I can tell she's really good with borderlines. I know she'll hold me accountable if I start to get dramatic or manipulative. The past therapists I've been seeing, I've kinda been able to walk all over them, but I know I need someone to keep me in line and call me out on things. It really helps me (although I don;'t always want to hear it as first) to become a healthier, happier borderline.
And my new pdoc? I've been calling tons of places, but they either aren't taking new patients or I have to see their therapists to get in. I was running out of people on the list they gave me, and finally called the pdoc I had when I was first getting help(I was around 14 years old) It's funny 'cause he was really old when I was a teenager and has to be pushing 80, but he'll have to do (and I always liked him, anyway). I also need to see someone soon to be able to decrease my klonopin in a healthy way since we're trying for a baby.
Baby update: I've been seeing a doctor who does Neurolink and he is helping me to straight out my hormones so I can conceive one of these days.
That's all for now.

Monday, September 28, 2009

changes

I'm getting a new therapist and a new pdoc. The place I was going to changed their billing policy, so basically I can't afford them anymore; which is okay. I'm really not worried about the changes. I usually have a good relationship with any therapist I go to. And also, I know that with my BPD, it's mostly work I gotta do on my own, a therapist isn't there to "fix me." Peace and Hugs. Steph

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Friday, September 25, 2009

Uber cute

check it out (one of my fav. songs)
so cute!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

more art therapy then

Art therapy

Scrub then walls, borderlines.

Yes, I felt that bad- decided to scrub my walls with water and spic and span, I seriously thought the pdoc was joking when he first told me that in the psych ward, but it really helps-to go beyond the pain. I've had such a bad time lately with my bpd, mostly anger and abandonment issues, but his advice helped and I shall do it again. I also exercised, until it hurt.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Gotta scream!

Obgyn told us to stop trying 'cause I'm on klono;in. Hard to take at first, but then talked about adoption with Hubby. But....I am 5 days late on by period and I"m freaking out. I'mm waiting for Hubby to return with preg test and reduced my Klonopin by .5 mg and am already withdrawing. I hope for the first time since I got off the birth contro that I"m NOT pregnant. I"ve tried to get off of Klonopin before, and it was horrrible. I can't believe my pcoc(now retired) said a category D pill was okay! OMG! I'm flipping out. If I am preggo, I"m gonna call the psych ward right away and get a pdoc's advice on how to get off the damn klonop;in. I might even go there and "check myself in." I don't want to hurt my baby , but I also am afraid of withdrawal. Say a prayer.

Friday, September 11, 2009

update

still have allergies (achoo!)
see the obgyn in two and a half hours (I'm very nervous) scared he'll tell me I"m infertile. Hoping he tells me I'm pregnant. Crossies

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Haz allergies

do not like! I work tom, too (Erg!)

Monday, September 7, 2009

Crazy bitch on the loose

I am PMDDing all over the place. Someone-call a priest to perform an exorcism. Oh, look -a butterfly.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Feeling better and other stuff

I felt bad about haing my husband watch the kids in the nursery at our church without me this morning, but my throat was killing me. It feels much better now, but I feel really lazy. WE also skipped my uncle's party since it was right after church.
Our two year anniversary is on Tuesday! It feels like we've been married longer than that and sometimes it feels like we just got married last week. It's hard to explain. We're trying for a baby and I see the obgyn Friday, but if I don't get pregnant by next year, I'm thinking about adopting internationally. My mom couldn't get pregnant for eight years and I have ovarian cysts like she did, but I don't have eight years to wait and see what happens. That's all for now.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Ugg

Itchy, watery eyes, sore throat, tired (NOt fun!)
I hope I feel better tom. My uncle is having a party. I babysat the nieceypoos today and last night. I'm glad to be home.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I can't wait for my flowers to die

I know, weird, but it's true. Summer depression sucks and I'm finally feeling some relief. Having more energy , doing stuff around the house, getting more ideas. I don't like to be freezing and driving on ice, but I"m glad I"m finally getting some of my oomf back.

Hubby thought this was hilarious....

He's gonna send it to all his coworkers (They all work in cubicles heehe)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm baaack!


Yes! I survived the summer! No stays in the psych ward for me, just a lot of phone calls to crisis numbers. So, that's a big accomplishment. I got a new job in the middle of July as a personal assistant and I couldn't hope for a better job environment, boss, etc. (me very happy!) Still not preggors, but seeing a doctor, well two docs-a obgyn and one that does Neurolink. I'm trying to put the pressure off about the whole baby thing. (very difficult at times) I'm really working on the church thing and increasing my faith. HUbby got a raise and our two year anniversary is this month! That's all for now. Happy thoughts.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Maybe changes

We're looking at two more houses this Saturday. It's exciting, yet scary.
I have a job interview next month. It will be really weird if I get a full time job, I'm not used to having one, but Iwould try my best to adjust. I hope I'm the beswt person for the job. It's a teacher's aide. I've subbed as one for the past two years, so I know what I'll be in for. Plus, it's at a preschool (fun!). Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Great day yesterday

I got up, paid some bills, went to the bank, had lunch with my dad, hung out with my sister (showed her the houses we had looked at), and didn't even take a nap. Go me! Today, not so good. Got up at 2:30 - was supposed to see my counselour, but didn't go or even let her know I wasn't going-just no motivation, but I'm glad that I can have good days along with my bad ones anyway.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Things to do with a brick

1. paint it and make a friend like a pet rock, even name it
2. throw it at someone
3. stand on it
4. lick it
5. try to break it in half
6. clean it in the tub
7. put it in your shirt and have a rectangular boob
8. throw it in a pond
9. try to give it to a charity
10. sell it on e-bay
11. bring it in a store, walk around, then leave with it
12. put it in the passenger seat in your car and give it a ride
13. throw it a birthday party
14. put it in a soup
15. make out with it

Any other ideas?

Where is everybody?


I know it's been a while, but it seems like all my blog friends have deleted their blogs. If you want your blog on my blog list, I would love to put some on there. Just post a comment. Thanks.

Update (list form) (me likey the list form)


1. still not pregnant
2. been looking for a house
3. grandpa passed away
4. sis is home for summer
5. trying to hold it together

And you?

Keeep me sane!


In order to keep the damn summer depression at bay, I've decided to get myself back to bloggging. I've felt so hopeless today. But, hopefullyt typing some stuff daily will help.
one time in the psych ward, they decreased my anti-anxiety meds waaaaay to much and I was practically climbing the walls. So I made lists of things to make lists of (it was pretty bad lol)
Anywho, I feel completely bored right now and decided to make a list of things I can do(like on the post below) to remind myself that there is stuff out there and I don't have to go to bed. Bear with me.
1.clean (yeah-thanks mom)
2.blog (ta da!)
3.go to the Dollar Tree
4.get a book a the library
5.pay bills (again-yeah! not!)
6.rent a movie from Red Box (0nly a dollar a day) (I'm poor)
7.go for a walk (after it stops raining)
8.play Webkinz
9.bake something
10.make something

Whoo-making it to 10 was hard. I need a life.

list of things to do when bored and broke


don't we all need a list like this?
Check it out!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Pms

bawling about not getting pregnant and yelllng at husband at the same time fun fun fun

Thursday, April 30, 2009

saw pdoc

increasing my prozac to 80mg. and have to have bloodtest to see if any of the meds are actually getting in my blood, instead of going straight to my liver. See her again next month

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

update

my flower garden (dirt in pots on my balcony) is looking pretty good and has held up despite all this rain we've had. I see my pdoc tom. Gonna talk about my annoying naps and my dysthymia. I naven't been majorly depressed, been trying to get up and do things, so fingers crossed.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

what's uP?

Good weekend, cleaned the house and spent time outdoors. Rented"eagle eye" and it was awesome. HOpe tom. goes well.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Aww


"I would like to be an eagle because they are big, strong and they can soar"(former sm daughter's quote).

Sunday, April 19, 2009

did u know?


"You can be greater than anything that can happen to you." -Norman Vincent Peale

Monday, April 13, 2009

Question of the day


Q:Even though you've had many struggles, what do you do on a daily basis that screams, "I am NOT a victim!"?

my A: I get up in the morning.

Please put your answer in the form of a comment. Thanks.

Friday, April 3, 2009

fav. quotes


" A person's worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea is in being, not in doing, not in having." - Alice Mary Hilton

"It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship." -Norman Vincent Peale

affirmations from the psych ward stay


Acceptance Stuff

This is a reply on my question dealing with acceptace that I asked on a mental helath forum and I love it:

i think for me acceptance came after facing up to what id lost. so many lost opportunities due to all the abuse. i was allways the cleverest kid in my class, won every award, sat extra exams early, excelled at every sport and extra curicular activity, won art competitions, poetry competitions, dance competitions, every horse show i got taken too. i have very severe adhd, along with disgraphia and cptsd dx age 13, but i still did perfectly at everything despite no effort and being utterly self destructive. i was a member of junior mensa as a kid cause my iq is 172 or 173 (cant memeber exactly). I was the kid everyone said would do best, would earn most would get best degree. well i decided to change this for myself i didnt want to be a statistic, so i chose a degree i cared about, then found myself bored! i didnt know who i was or why and couldnt make any positive choices for myself based on this. i had allways had to be perfect as a kid, i put an extraordinary amount of effort into this as it was the only way i could survive, the only way i recieved any care from anyone was to be flawless. I was never popular, that would have been too difficult considering my home probs, but i was allways pretty, allways daring, so I got alot of attention from peers that way. Evereything i was existed only because i needed to survive. realising this, that i had talents only because of this, that these things were not me by choice but rather by necessity, facing the loss of self this posed to me, the loss of opportunities, all those years i could have been buildinga life that was mine, skills that I valued, intrests that actually intrested me!!!! so much loss

the acceptance came after this. the understanding that it was my right to choose what i valued, to be who i wanted. yes there are things that i am discontented with, but there are for everyone because thats normal, these things dont rule my life and dont determin my self worth. discovering what i actually care about is pretty amazing in itself. i can accept who i am now because i can ccept i have a future, with future possibilities determind only by me. Im not interested in conventional standards, academics cant see past their own tiny world and i want more than that, I can use what i know to help others, I have worked with many kids who were in the same situations I was and thats much more worthwhile. I can actually enjoy being pretty now, its no longer a means to an end, its just a nice thing. I dont have to write flawless eassays to impress, i can write what I want when i want for me, which is far more satisfying. Im sure others might discover other values when they discover themselves, these are just somethings that mattered to me. seeing the truth of what id been through freed me to see the truth of my here and now, accept it and improove things for myself, not for others. I still go back and forward, its never going to be perfect, but its real.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

working on

"acceptance." I stayed up late tonight and got to thinking. I could be so much worse off. I mean, the people I met in the state hospital will probably never get to do normal things, like get married or go to college , or fall in love, or drive a car, or have a job. Yes, I'm screwed up, but I've come a long way and am not entirely incapable.
Thoughts like that make my pride issues go away and usher in humility. Hmmm.

From: Jackal's blog

acceptance?

Well, I was in the looney bin last Monday for thirteen hours because of stress brought upon by myself (yeah). The pdoc there talked to me about accepting where I am at right now and said something about that if this were the 50's , I'd be in a state hospital this whole time. But, it's really hard to accept where I am, I mean, I always thought I'd go to a universtity, make lots of money, change the world, etc. I can't even hold a job for more than a couple months becasue I get burnt out. I can't handle every day stress, Ill get all borderline and throw it on Hubby or go to bed, not moving for days. So, fellow sufferers, how am I supposed to accept all that? Anyone?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What's UP?

Well, I haven't been subbing becasue of my tutoring gigs. I am going to expand it into the summer. I'm going to recruit hich schoolers and hopefuly, in two years it'll turn itno something big. Fingers crossed. I'm getting frustrated about not getting pregnant, but I know I need to learn to be patient. I have this fear that I'll have S.A.D. this summer (6th summer in a row) and my tutoring program will go dwon the toilet because of it. Ho hum..

Monday, March 2, 2009

sick

I woke up Friday and my throat killed. By Sunday, I seriously thought I had strep, but today, I just have the signs of a bad cold, maybe mixed in with a little bronchial infection. I've watched practically all the good movies on our movie channels and I finished my book. So, I might paint betweeen naps.
Good news- I'm going to be tutoring this seven-year old Mexican boy. I met with him and his family last week and they are so sweet! I'm making plans to really branch out my free tutoring program. I'm planning on recruiting some high school students who need the service hours and am going to call my college teacher and ask her about grant money. Wish me luck!
Oh, i'm not pregnant, but we're still trying.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

what to do

Well, it's mmy niece's bday party today. Meaning , my huge triggers will be there (my family), so I decided to go early and help set up, then give my neiceypoo her present, then get the heck out of there before anyone else comes. Sounds like a plan to me.
I've also decided to get back into aide subbing. I'm really missing it, even though I can't get my Serouqual nap in, but it'll be really healthy for me.
My husband mentioned last night that he felt hurt when I'd call my mom for advice instead of asking him. I had no idea I was hurting him. I apologized and I think it's ok now.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day


My plans? lunch and a movie with hubby, oh, and trying to get out from this hellish borderline rubble I've got myself in (aka :try to be content, get my happy back, think positive, work on hobbies, less stress).

Friday, February 13, 2009

Apologies Accepted?

Well, after much emotional torture, I am NOT pregnant. I want a baby so bad , I can taste it, but I talked to my doctor's nurse today and she said that since I've beeen on birth control for over five years, it may take up to six months until I have a normal cylce and start ovulating. She said to just relax and forget about the ovulation testing and get my mind on other things. After researching the web and taling to everyone else but a professional about getting pregnant, I feel releived to have heard from her and am going to take her advice.
I've been driving myself and loved ones crazy with my borderline symtoms. And thinking I might be pregnant hasn;t helped. I need to get my mindfullness" on and get on with my life. Maybe even apologizze for my behavior.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

update

haven't posted for a while. didn;t feel like writing about the times I've been down and uM, I also had a cutting incindent. But, on the upside, I think I amy be pregnant! And this mommy (soon to be) is living helthier than ever (exercisining in the morning, taking vitamins, being "mindful" of emotions) I think that the idea that someone is grwoing inside of you really makes you start to take control of things. My husband and I are very excited and please have us in your prayers.
Also, I"m getting lots of calls about my tutoring gig.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009

Went crazy

so, I was just fine and dandy decreqasing my Seroqual right? NOpe! Friday night (my fourth day on just 100mg), my OCD came back full throttle, anxiety went through the roof, basically I felt like I was losing my mind.
So, now I'm back to 200 mg-sleepier, but I'm ok. Damn, that was scary.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

been

bummed about not getting pregnant, sleeping a lot, low motivation, no one calling for free tutoring. Dont' feel like subbing. My clas starts next week. I feel fat an like a loser.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Raspberry?

I'm a little concerned. Rasberry from the blog: Mindfullness, madness, and me took her blog down. I hope she's okay. Does anyone know anything?