Feeling Down...

Is summer over yet? God, it's soo friggin hot! I feel shitty and I have little motivation. I make myself walk in the morning before work, but that's about it ( I only work 7 hours a week). ugghhh

Do something.

So, my counselor strongly suggested I do volunteer work while trying to find another pt job. So, Friday I am going to take an elderly woman to a dr. appnt. through an agency here. I think it was interesting that my counselor told me I needed to do something with my time and NOT just working around the house, but she said I had to do something fulfilling like help people. I agreed. This overwhelming feeling of "there is nothing" has been haunting me since summer. Wish me luck.

This should keep me busy...

I've been feeling horribly down lately. (Hormonal, maybe?) So, I've decided to get crafty. I saw some stuff on youtube about towel animals and such, so I might give it a go. If it goes well, I might make up a website to sell them, or else give them out as Christmas gifts.

so anyway...

I have enrolled in this medical transcription program thingy. I am quite excited about it. Even though I may not get a job as a medical transcription person down the road, I do enjoy learning and reading books.
I have been having severe bouts of depression , but have decided to NOT commit suicide. It's my husband that keeps me going. Yes, I do love him that much. I try to keep busy with work and with different new things on my plate. The despair that comes over me is so powerful though. I hope I am more powerful than it is.
I am currently peeing on a stick once a day. Not the pregnancy stick, but the ovulation stick. That's where forty-five of our dollars have gone. (Thank you, Wal-Mart). Come on Clomid, work for me now!
The baptism went okay. I wish our couple friends had been there, but they do have three kids. I do not feel any different or more "godly" I believe I'm as godly as I've always been. Not more. Not less. Then again, I gave my heart to God, nine years ago in a state mental hospital.
So anyway, this is my latest update.

Feeling better

I think my Serotonin levels are back up (thank God) I feel so much better. I'm less anxious and less worried. Sure, when I took a three hour nap, I had drooled in my sleep, but this med increase is worth it. Ugg!

Med increase and trip to the city

Pdoc has increase Seroqual from 200 to 300. I hope this will help. She can't go any higher on the Pristiq and doesn't want to jack with the klonopin. To release stress, Hubby and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We went to six Flags, Union Station and the science center. Here's some pics.

that's about right

So summer depression sucks, but Hubby is sick, so I am stepping up and taking care of him and working on my friend's bridal shower. and doing laundry, that is until I start bawling again (haha).

Update

Enjoying ribbon and her company , but can feel my summer depression creeping in. I just have to make myself do things, keep seeing my counselour weekly and get outside more I guess. We're actually making couple friends and I'm excited about that. Also, my niece has tee ball games on Wednesday. I'm planning on painting our bedroom this summer, too. It has this creepy old lady wallpaper on it and HAS to be removed soon. haha. Lots of flowers are blooming around the house. It's a nice surprise. It keeeps raining, though, and I need to mow the yard soooo bad. Becasue of the rain, our driveway has flooded several times, so Hubby and I are going to dig a ditch and put in some pipe. Wish us luck!

Trazodone Zombie

Even though it was given to me as a sleep aid, I cannot sleep with it. I toss and turn, then finally head for the couch. So, I didn't take any last night. I'm not gonna take any today and see how it goes, but I do love the way it decreases the ole appetite , so I might just take it in the morning. Oh yeah, I've increased my Pristiq to 100mg. I was going to play basketball today, but it rained, but I actually got up and outside before noon. Woo hoo!

in a slight funk

I'm just hanging out at home. My finding my identity thing is really challenging right now. I got a bit triggered last night. Damn BPD. I'm irritated because I can't get into my Webkinz account. I don't want to go to the gym because I had electrolisis done yesterday. I don't want to go out, 'cause all my pants are either dirty or need buttons put on. I'm just bummin with no energy. Hopefully, it will lift. ugg.

Great day yesterday

I got up, paid some bills, went to the bank, had lunch with my dad, hung out with my sister (showed her the houses we had looked at), and didn't even take a nap. Go me! Today, not so good. Got up at 2:30 - was supposed to see my counselour, but didn't go or even let her know I wasn't going-just no motivation, but I'm glad that I can have good days along with my bad ones anyway.

Keeep me sane!

In order to keep the damn summer depression at bay, I've decided to get myself back to bloggging. I've felt so hopeless today. But, hopefullyt typing some stuff daily will help.
one time in the psych ward, they decreased my anti-anxiety meds waaaaay to much and I was practically climbing the walls. So I made lists of things to make lists of (it was pretty bad lol)
Anywho, I feel completely bored right now and decided to make a list of things I can do(like on the post below) to remind myself that there is stuff out there and I don't have to go to bed. Bear with me.
1.clean (yeah-thanks mom)
2.blog (ta da!)
3.go to the Dollar Tree
4.get a book a the library
5.pay bills (again-yeah! not!)
6.rent a movie from Red Box (0nly a dollar a day) (I'm poor)
7.go for a walk (after it stops raining)
8.play Webkinz
9.bake something
10.make something

Whoo-making it to 10 was hard. I need a life.

list of things to do when bored and broke

don't we all need a list like this?
Check it out!

update

my flower garden (dirt in pots on my balcony) is looking pretty good and has held up despite all this rain we've had. I see my pdoc tom. Gonna talk about my annoying naps and my dysthymia. I naven't been majorly depressed, been trying to get up and do things, so fingers crossed.

yup, that too

Update

Well, I worked Monday and Today. Monday night, Hubby and I joined the gym and I went to my first pilates class. Feel the burn! Everyone was really nice and I'm going again on Saturday morning. It felt really goood to work out. We have sticky toffee pudding in the oven, to bring to Hubby's aunts tom, then we're going to my anunt's house the day after Thanksgiving. I"m also going to look into a lightbox, maybe that will help me not sleeep so much. Happy thoughts.

God, I hope it's the moon

Okay, so I've been having mood swings the past few days. The bad ones where Ifeel hopelesss and depresssed. I was blog-hopping and another BPD blog said somehing about it being a full moon and how that efffects our mental stability. Since I can't figure out what it is, and since I am not looking forward to dealing with another horrible depression like in the summer, I hope it's just the moon.