Haven't blogged for a bit...

So, here goes: I'm still struggling with my mood (mostly the depression). HOwever, since my med increase, the self harm thoughts and the paranoia are practically gone. I"m just trying to make it through the summer. I'm trying to not be too hard on myself-just be happy that I can make it to work , then go home and nap.
I know when fall gets here, I'll be feeling much better. I might try working more this fall, too(something I've been really thinking about).
Anywho, that's about it.

For Valentine's Day...

I saw my psychiatrist! It's a stupid holiday , anyway. so much pressure to have a good one, and good sex-sooo dumb.
Anywho, I had an appointment anyway, but a few days before my monthly , I had been getting paraniod, and I thought bad stuff and I usually get scared that the cops are out to get me, so my mom took me. It wasn't too bad. I have to up my Seroqual on those few days, which makes me soooo tired. I thought I was goin to get fired since I was late today for work, but at least I wasn't paranoid. I know I have tons of grammer mispells here , but I don't care and u probably can't understand , but I am doped up a bit. Hope u had a good day.

Facebook chat is...

totally awesome! Since I'm introverted yet want to talk, I looooove it! So happy for technology! Still trying to find more work. Still trying to keep my spririts up and always workin on my recovery!

Start my...

new job Monday. Wish me luck! Well, not a new new job- I just got another person I do care giver stuff for. I'm really looking forward to it! I was just working two days a week and now I'll be working 4. The hours are great, too.

Do something.

So, my counselor strongly suggested I do volunteer work while trying to find another pt job. So, Friday I am going to take an elderly woman to a dr. appnt. through an agency here. I think it was interesting that my counselor told me I needed to do something with my time and NOT just working around the house, but she said I had to do something fulfilling like help people. I agreed. This overwhelming feeling of "there is nothing" has been haunting me since summer. Wish me luck.

Updates and such

I haven't blogged for a while. I know. I just put some youtube stuff up, not really writing about my thoughts. August was a tough month for me and Hubby. Something big happened (little too personal to blog about), but fortunately in has only made our marriage stronger. I hadn't wanted to really blog because of it and all the feelings this thing that happened made me feel.
However, we went to the baby doctor Wednesday, a new one (my old one moved); they have different methods, and he ran some tests. I had a sonogram and a vaginal sonogram done. One of my ovaries has PCOS and that fallopian tube is blocked. This coming Wednesday, I go to the hospital for an outpatient HSG procedure. They are also going to try to unblock the fallopian tube with a catheter. I'm scared 'cause I heard it could be painful, but I would give my right arm for a baby, so I'm gonna have to grin and bear it. From there, I don't know what we'll do. We could have to do IVF treatments. But I'll find out Wednesday.
I saw my pdoc the week before last and got a script for Remeron. This stuff made me have horrible dreams. I told the nurse and got back on Pristiq, but 50mg instead of 100mg. I have also decreased my Seroqual down to 200. I've been going outside more and have been able to enjoy the house more. I'm sure it's the change in weather.
I feel a lot better about the baby thing. The other doctor just gave me Clomid, so I hope I get pregnant one of these days. Since I've also been feeling better mentally, i've been looking for another little part time job to add on. I may go back to subbing , but am going to pray about it. Peace.

I have a smiley face!!!!

I was thinking of calling some family members and telling them about the news of my ovulation, but then thought it would be weird. (ya think? ha ha) So, why not blog it, eh? After a week or so of having a plain circle after peeing on the ovulation detector stick, I have a smiley face, yes! I'm so happy the first round of Clomid worked, now the hard, err fun part, err lol.
I got a call from the lady that I was supposed to have the nanny interview with today and she checked into daycare rates, so she's having second thoughts about hiring someone in their home. Daycare is only 27 dollars a day. I am asking for fifty. I hope she reconsiders, but she'll talk with her husband about it and call me back in a few days. But, I have a smiley face finally, and that rocks!

Goals.

Goals have always been important to me and my mental health. I've decided to make a few. For example, Before I start to review a new lesson in my class course, I am going to write in my planner when I will have my quiz for that lesson each week. I am also looking for a pt job besides my homecare job. I plan to rock my nanny interview tom. 'cause it's perfect, but If I don't get it, I will keep on looking for something else that will be good for me (one on one care, low stress, etc.) Hubby and I also plan to start walking and biking this fall. I also need to play more with Ribbon. I'm so glad summer is almost over. I hope we start to have cooler weather.

Good Stuff

I just did my first quiz and got an A!!! I also have a job interview Monday for a pt Nanny. All good.

so...

I mowed our lawn today! While trying to get the motor started, I busted and bruised my finger. When I was almost done mowing, I fell into a sewer ditch. Whatever was in there (don't wanna think about it) was so thick that I needed help getting pulled out. Did I mention that last week I was toting five laundry baskets downstairs and fell down the steps! My tailbone is still sore. I love the house, but man we have a huge yard and the laundry is downstairs.
I made this stupid promise to Hubby that if we ever got a house, I would mow the yard. I looked at riding mowers and they cost more than my car, so I will need to toughen up, and make more than one trip with those stupid laundry baskets! Ha ha!

In the new house

Love :
the deck, the view of horses from my office window, the garage

But, the last owners left it so filthy and Hubby has had to fix tons of things that could have been really easy fixes for the last owners.

The last three days have been so busy and stressfful, but things are finally calming down. We're going bike riding tonight in our new neighborhood and I"m actually glad I will be doing laundry, just so it can start feeling like home. I may post pics soon. Til then...

Trazodone

Interesting. I've cut my dose in half. Now I take 25mg. It makes me really sleepy in the morning, but I bought some soda. I'm still taking it, though 'cuz it decreases my appetite (awesome). Oddly, it increases my libido, too, which makes Hubby happy, but whatever. I'm just glad I'm not eating everything in sight. Oh, and I haven't been "borderline" for a long time (a good week). I've cut down stressors-not going to bible study and subbing at the schools. I think this has helped. Since we're in the process of getting our house, we had the inspection last Friday, we've beeen really busy doing house stuff. I think decreasing the extra stressors was a really good idea (thanks M), since buying a house can be very overwhelming. I see my pdoc Tuesday and am going to talk to her about increasing my Pristiq. My summer depression aka reverse S.A.D. is kicking in and I want to do stuff like plant a garden and play basketball this summer, dammit! Peace Out.

Cure for bpd: exhaustion!

at least for a little while! I have increased my work schedule since we are getting a house, and it's been great for my self esteem, depression , and BPD. I am also moving to a different town and very excited to start a new chapter in my life. I will have a yard, a two car garage and a basketball hoop in the driveway. Rock on!

Now I remmeber

why I quite subbing at schools-women are gossipying caddy bitches. OMG. This is my second day back and the longer the day went on , the longer those people said mean things about their so called "friends." Kill me now. I hope I can continue doing this without bitch slapping a colleague.

Merry Christmas!

so, just got back from the third , of our four Christmas parties. I"m quite surprised I haven't gone borderline. I'm keeping pretty calm. I get an assesment to see my old pdoc that moved to a different place in January. NOt preggo yet. Older sister is trying for a third(so annoying) Gonna try subbing after New Years again, along with my job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finances have been freakin my out, but got some Christmas money from family. Thank God. I'm really upset about my weight. I'm getting like this freakin pouch thing. Ugg. Has pristiq caused weight gain for anyojhe else? I"m only on 50 mg.?? I haven't killed my husband yet, then again he's off work 'til Jan. 4th. (for threee weeks)-so there's still time hee hee
I had a few meltdowns before and after the inlaws came over for supper, but my monthly finnally started and that has helped (gross, I know, but just saying how it is) Fingers crossed. Peace.

soo...

I'm trying to not freak out about finances. I went to the gym twice this week and made it to work for the third week in a row(something I'm very proud of) I am having the in laws and parents over Saturday and hope I survive. My car is broken again! I can't friggin believe it. Our toilet is broken too. The maintenance guy came to fix it and left to get a part for it, but hasn't come back yet ...Breathe... My selective mutism really took over at bible study last night. I hate groups of people, but hubby likes them. ugg. I need to numb my face for two hours with EMLA for electrolis soon, so that maintenace man better hurry back. I'm pissy, 'cause I think I'm getting my period, so people will just have to deal with it or something. Thank god I have the gym to work out all my anxiety.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was going to not go to a family party today, but I've been feeling a lot better so I'm gonna go. I've been very um... hormonal lately.
My thyroid test came back fine and it's exciting to start thinking about getting pregnant. HOpefully, my hormones will be all straightend out in a couple months.
I might start tutoring a little boy next week, but this time I"m demanding pay. I'll still be a home care aide (mostly cleaning), but I'm glad to be getting a more fulfilling extra job. Plus, I'll be doing the tutoring out in the community, and that always helps me.

what to do

Well, it's mmy niece's bday party today. Meaning , my huge triggers will be there (my family), so I decided to go early and help set up, then give my neiceypoo her present, then get the heck out of there before anyone else comes. Sounds like a plan to me.
I've also decided to get back into aide subbing. I'm really missing it, even though I can't get my Serouqual nap in, but it'll be really healthy for me.
My husband mentioned last night that he felt hurt when I'd call my mom for advice instead of asking him. I had no idea I was hurting him. I apologized and I think it's ok now.

Gpa update and stuff

Stuff doens'nt look too good for my grandpa. His blood test came back abnormal and he is scheduled to have a CT Scan tom. I was supposed to sub today, but all the schools closed becasue of the ice. I have pilates tonight, so I'm glad I get to channel my strees and worries by workin it.

Must say no

to sleep. Lately, I've been sleeping waayy too much. I thinks it's because the weather is colder and my bed is so damn comfy. I'm gonna make myself get up tom. annd go to the mental health place and hang out. I'm kinda bummed that I'm not getting called to sub. I hope things start picking up soon.