Friday, March 18, 2011

Isn't having bpd

great? Ugh, why can't I ever validate myself? Why do I always have to look to other people? Why after I finish an accomplishment, it then seems so small, even useless?

BPDs have to "embrace" their pain. So this emptiness I feel, this loneliness, this "I'm not worth shit" this "no one gives a fuck," I have to "embrace" it. So I have to "just feel crappy until I don't feel crappy anymore." OK. I think I can do that. Oh, and breathe. I'll try.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


has sprung! I'm feeling good and went on a bike ride. There are buds of flowers starting to come up all over the yard. I think this summer will be a lot better than last. I struggle with summer depression, but since this will be our second year at the house, I'm sure it will be smoother. Our tv broke. It's either one thing or another, but I'm getting a lot more used to being a home owner now. We are saving our money for emergencies and paying with cash instead of using the credit card. We have a lot of work ahead of us concerning the yard, but it'll keep us busy, and hopefully I can lose some more weight! Happy wishes!

Monday, March 7, 2011

The emptiness consumes me

BPD sucks when I feel like I have nothing to know and like I'm not worth anything because of it. I've been doing crafts here lately and want to sell them, but don't have the money to really buy a lot of materials, to sell them. I was so bored, last night, I guess I wanted to feel something, anything besides this emptiness, so anyway, I did something I shouldn't have. It wasn't major or harmful, but I felt really guilty and told Hubby about it today. He was hurt, but forgave me. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but i guess it does anyway, since it hurt him. when I read" i hate you -don't leave me," it said that one of the symptoms is "chronic emptiness." I have emptiness, but it's not chronic..,. good thing I've been working on this bpd thing.