Happy Christmas!

survived one family party- one more to go!
My sister-in-law had her first baby two days ago, so that's very exciting! I can't believe my brother is going to be a dad! But, he'll be an awesome one, I'm sure!
Stress levels are of course way up, but I'm trying to cope. I think I may be an emotional eater-when things are going bad, I just have at it and don't care what I stuff in my face or the amount. Not good.
Anywho, Happy Holidays, whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs!
Love,
Pigtails

Will opt to blog instead of cutting

I am like a pale, oompa loompa ontop of my husband during sex. HOw the fuck did I get so god damn fat? I was so horribly feeling alone today that I opted to have dinner with my parents. My mom is so stuck up and judgmenetal , I can't stand the sound of her voice, but yes, that was how goddamn lonely I was.
I hate our house. We went from a bigger town to a town of like 1200 people. Everyone knows everyone else and their business. They won't help me one fucking bit while I am struggling to mow the yard. It's like sorry we don't drink and aren'[t Cathoilidc and don't sleep with our neighbors , but can I please have a fucking hand? They all mock me on their retarded riding mowers. I hate this goddamn red neck small fuck up the ass place so goddamn mkuch and our kids, ya know if a fucking miracle happens and we actually concieve that is, will hate this place and hate us for buying this fucking house.
i can't put shit on a goddamn resume to get a job I am proud of. My self esteem is like one thousand below a goddamn porta potty in Haiti. I have this pain in my stomache and my doctor, his nurses, the doctor's assistant and the secretary are all fucking idiots. I don't know anything I am dumb as fuck and pathetic. Fuck , I can't even get the goddamn neighbor boy to mow our yard.

Ribbon is finally home!

We got the cat today. First she had to get surgery because there was a crystal in her urine. So, I had to wait. Then when I went to pick her up yesterday, right before I put her in her kitty carrier, I noticed that she had taken out her stitches, so I had to rush to the vet and wait until today. Because of the stitches incident, she is wearing "the cone of shame", which she hates, but she gets the stitches out in ten days or so. She is a very good cat and very loving. I think she will do wonders for my mood and boredom. I hope Hubby is glad we got a cat. He said he is, but I still wonder. I tried to upload a pic of her on my camera phone to my computer, but it didn't work , so pics are to come. Wish me and Ribbon luck. :)

Trazodone

Interesting. I've cut my dose in half. Now I take 25mg. It makes me really sleepy in the morning, but I bought some soda. I'm still taking it, though 'cuz it decreases my appetite (awesome). Oddly, it increases my libido, too, which makes Hubby happy, but whatever. I'm just glad I'm not eating everything in sight. Oh, and I haven't been "borderline" for a long time (a good week). I've cut down stressors-not going to bible study and subbing at the schools. I think this has helped. Since we're in the process of getting our house, we had the inspection last Friday, we've beeen really busy doing house stuff. I think decreasing the extra stressors was a really good idea (thanks M), since buying a house can be very overwhelming. I see my pdoc Tuesday and am going to talk to her about increasing my Pristiq. My summer depression aka reverse S.A.D. is kicking in and I want to do stuff like plant a garden and play basketball this summer, dammit! Peace Out.

Thanks B.B. for the craft gift!

Snow, snow, go away

OMG! I am sooo sick of Christmas stuff and this crappy weather. I don't know if I have the after Christmas letdown, SAD, or both. I feel stuck in this little apartment, going crazy. I can't even go outside for a small walk. I hope to God it doesn't snow any more. Kill me now.

soo...

I'm trying to not freak out about finances. I went to the gym twice this week and made it to work for the third week in a row(something I'm very proud of) I am having the in laws and parents over Saturday and hope I survive. My car is broken again! I can't friggin believe it. Our toilet is broken too. The maintenance guy came to fix it and left to get a part for it, but hasn't come back yet ...Breathe... My selective mutism really took over at bible study last night. I hate groups of people, but hubby likes them. ugg. I need to numb my face for two hours with EMLA for electrolis soon, so that maintenace man better hurry back. I'm pissy, 'cause I think I'm getting my period, so people will just have to deal with it or something. Thank god I have the gym to work out all my anxiety.

Tami Green, anyone?

I found out about this amazing, speaker, adovate, and person with BPD while surfing youtube. Anyone with BPD or who has a loved one with BPD must check her out!

sick

I woke up Friday and my throat killed. By Sunday, I seriously thought I had strep, but today, I just have the signs of a bad cold, maybe mixed in with a little bronchial infection. I've watched practically all the good movies on our movie channels and I finished my book. So, I might paint betweeen naps.
Good news- I'm going to be tutoring this seven-year old Mexican boy. I met with him and his family last week and they are so sweet! I'm making plans to really branch out my free tutoring program. I'm planning on recruiting some high school students who need the service hours and am going to call my college teacher and ask her about grant money. Wish me luck!
Oh, i'm not pregnant, but we're still trying.

Apologies Accepted?

Well, after much emotional torture, I am NOT pregnant. I want a baby so bad , I can taste it, but I talked to my doctor's nurse today and she said that since I've beeen on birth control for over five years, it may take up to six months until I have a normal cylce and start ovulating. She said to just relax and forget about the ovulation testing and get my mind on other things. After researching the web and taling to everyone else but a professional about getting pregnant, I feel releived to have heard from her and am going to take her advice.
I've been driving myself and loved ones crazy with my borderline symtoms. And thinking I might be pregnant hasn;t helped. I need to get my mindfullness" on and get on with my life. Maybe even apologizze for my behavior.

sick

Well, I've had the flu or something flu-like since Thursday. It's been really hard staying positive when I feel so bad and am confined to the apartment. I've taken up journaling, with the blogiing so I can still write down personal stuggles, but ones that are too personal to post. I was reading a BPD blog the other day. THey were talking about the DBT skill-act the oppostie. It really got me thinking about how I've completely let my emotions control my reactions this past year. I need to be more mindful and think before I act. I will only lead a chaotic life if I keep this up and I don't want that.