Update

I've had to up my Seroqual to 300 mg (the highest dose I take.) I'm pretty sure things are bad because of the summer weather. My ocd has been driving me mad, I've been extra sensitive and paranoid. Self harm thoughts have been so strong lately, also. Last night, I was checking out stuff about selective mutism and bam- bpd trigger (ugh). The Hubs practically forced me to increase it (the Seroqual)last night, so I feel a little better today.
I'm making myself walk every day before work and I've started eating healthier. I know this will also make me feel better.
Our AC is on the fritz so that's been on my mind. Plus the guy that looked at it was super creepy. The Hubs will be there next time he fixes the part(thank God).

Oh, and I luuuv my online bpd class.

Problems with Identity

Well, I've been struggling a little lately and it's late and I don't have to go to work tom., so I'm up and blogging. Tami Green is a dbt life coach and in one of her videos, she talks about the bpd criteria of problems with identity. She started to find out who she was by first compiling a simple list of her likes and dislikes. For example, she started out slowly by writing down that she liked the color "green." So, she became "someone who likes the color, 'green." Well, I don't like green. In fact, my favorite color is blue.
Since I have been struggling, I've decided to compose a list of likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc, to help me out and quite frankly pass some time (boredom is a big trigger).

Here goes:

likes:
Hello Kitty
shades of blue (from sky blue to a dark blue)
the singer, Pink
singing
dancing
speaking with various accents
making people laugh
the fall
painting my nails

dislikes:
hot weather
racist people
large, Catholic weddings
pushy people

accomplishments:
getting my driver's license
not having to go to day treatment anymore
graduating from college
I sold cutlery for a week.
I 've been a sub teacher's aide.
I've been a home care aide.
I had my own tutoring program.
I volunteered at a pet shelter.
I married the man of my dreams (and am still happily married).
We are out of debt.
I stood up to a therapist when I knew in my heart I was right.
I stood up to my boss when he was inappropriate.
I make jewelry.
I have a blog.

That's all for now. What are your "likes?"

update

I have been-cleaning, working, crafting, getting financial stuff straightened out with Hubby, taking care of things.
I have seen so many bpd blogs out there where people are really struggling-going in and out of the hospital, cutting, etc.
Listen fellow borderlines, I know taking care of yourself is hard waaay hard, but if I can do it-you can too! I hate the "gray areas", too. Boredom can be really frightening, I know, but I have decided to end my own personal chaos, 'cause I'd rather be living and dealing with life vs. being treated like a mental patient and acting out like a mental patient. There is hope. It's a long road, but YOU CAN DO IT! Love, Steph

Awesome song (may trigger)

Raise Your Glass

Time

My therapist says I have way too much free time on my hands and becasue of this, I worry and think too much, basically making myself miserable with my bad thoughts. But what can I do, really? We are in a bit of financial trouble (never buy I bloody house ever!) Car parts are breaking, the cat is getting sick. I want to go to the gym, but that costs money. We cannont afford cable. I have the internet, the cat, my pt job, and church. That's all folks! Everything costs money, seems like. It snowed yesterday. Too much time. I had a job interview and am waiting to hear back. It gets dark at 5pm. I asked Hubby if one could literally be bored to death. I guess I should just sit back and wait ((shudder))I am fat I am fat I am fat.

In order to lose weight...

buy a house! Ha! I lost ten pounds since we've been in the new house! I think it has to do with the moving and cleaning and just having a larger living area. I have to go downstairs and into the garage to do laundry and we don't have a t.v. on the first floor. I've become such a couch potato at the apartment. Plus, we have so much more responsiblities. Good move, pigtails, good move. I have yet to buy a lawnmower, but Hubby wants to be in on the purchase and the mowing will help my chubby tummy, too.

Cure for bpd: exhaustion!

at least for a little while! I have increased my work schedule since we are getting a house, and it's been great for my self esteem, depression , and BPD. I am also moving to a different town and very excited to start a new chapter in my life. I will have a yard, a two car garage and a basketball hoop in the driveway. Rock on!

Merry Christmas!

so, just got back from the third , of our four Christmas parties. I"m quite surprised I haven't gone borderline. I'm keeping pretty calm. I get an assesment to see my old pdoc that moved to a different place in January. NOt preggo yet. Older sister is trying for a third(so annoying) Gonna try subbing after New Years again, along with my job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finances have been freakin my out, but got some Christmas money from family. Thank God. I'm really upset about my weight. I'm getting like this freakin pouch thing. Ugg. Has pristiq caused weight gain for anyojhe else? I"m only on 50 mg.?? I haven't killed my husband yet, then again he's off work 'til Jan. 4th. (for threee weeks)-so there's still time hee hee
I had a few meltdowns before and after the inlaws came over for supper, but my monthly finnally started and that has helped (gross, I know, but just saying how it is) Fingers crossed. Peace.

Tami Green, anyone?

I found out about this amazing, speaker, adovate, and person with BPD while surfing youtube. Anyone with BPD or who has a loved one with BPD must check her out!

Feeel like crap

why? respiratory infection, mounting bills, had to see the bitch doctor, broke off part of my tooth while flossing-can't see dentist 'cause I'm sick, OCD is getting to me-'cant go to gym and get rid of the OCD anxiety 'cause sick, can't go to work to make money 'cause sick, right boob kills-?
I think I'll have a good cry.

Stumbled , but didn't fall

I had a bad day yesterday. Today, however, I'm doing a lot better. It's a wonder how doing thirty minutes of cardio at the gym can make you feel. I also did it early in the morning, before work, which helps too. I"m still upset that I've got these small scabs on my face from my electrolisis apt, but I'm puttin on the Neosporin and trying not to worry about how it looks too much. Anywho, I'm up and awake and doin stuff. So, go me! :)

in a slight funk

I'm just hanging out at home. My finding my identity thing is really challenging right now. I got a bit triggered last night. Damn BPD. I'm irritated because I can't get into my Webkinz account. I don't want to go to the gym because I had electrolisis done yesterday. I don't want to go out, 'cause all my pants are either dirty or need buttons put on. I'm just bummin with no energy. Hopefully, it will lift. ugg.

fav. quotes

" A person's worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea is in being, not in doing, not in having." - Alice Mary Hilton

"It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship." -Norman Vincent Peale