so anyway...

I have enrolled in this medical transcription program thingy. I am quite excited about it. Even though I may not get a job as a medical transcription person down the road, I do enjoy learning and reading books.
I have been having severe bouts of depression , but have decided to NOT commit suicide. It's my husband that keeps me going. Yes, I do love him that much. I try to keep busy with work and with different new things on my plate. The despair that comes over me is so powerful though. I hope I am more powerful than it is.
I am currently peeing on a stick once a day. Not the pregnancy stick, but the ovulation stick. That's where forty-five of our dollars have gone. (Thank you, Wal-Mart). Come on Clomid, work for me now!
The baptism went okay. I wish our couple friends had been there, but they do have three kids. I do not feel any different or more "godly" I believe I'm as godly as I've always been. Not more. Not less. Then again, I gave my heart to God, nine years ago in a state mental hospital.
So anyway, this is my latest update.

Well,

I guess i;m doing pretty good. I've been able to go down to 150mg of Seroqual and I've been able to go to sleep alright. We bought an ovultaion kit last night and having lots of baby talk. I survived the holidays. The kidddies go back to school on Tues, so I'll have some jobs and I start my college class on the twelth.

Excitement!

So many good things to type about. First of all, sinced I've been getting the experience of being a teacher's aide last year and this year, I finally found out what ages I want to work with and have been contacting the college-very awesome! I'm really glad I have experience working with all kinds of kids and different age groups, so I could make a bettter decidsion-I am going to be a preschool teacher (one of these years), but I'm so happy that I finally found out what I really want todo with my life.
Last night, I had a BPD breakthrough. I felt angry and cheated with my husband. I was either going to start a dramamtic fight or just go to bed, depresssed (probably waking up in the morning , feeling worse. ) But no, out of nowhere, I took the high road and announced to my husband that I was angry. Then, we talked about why and made a lot of healthy changes. I'm so happy he's so patient with me and willing to communicate. This is a big thing, since I've acted on my emotions for about over a year, not thinking , just becoming dramatic, or going inside myself-all depressed. Good day, eh?

Taking A Plunge

I've decided to go back to school and get my degree in elementary education. It's what I always wanted to do. I'm terrified, but am going to make myslef stick with it. I don't know what my area of concentration will be yet, but I have some time to think about it. I don't care if it takes me 10 years to get my bachelor's degree, I'm a smart girl , I have tons of potential, It's just that my fear of rejection and failure has been in the way. But, I know once I'm back in school again, I'll be very motivated and looking forward to class.