Problems with Identity

Well, I've been struggling a little lately and it's late and I don't have to go to work tom., so I'm up and blogging. Tami Green is a dbt life coach and in one of her videos, she talks about the bpd criteria of problems with identity. She started to find out who she was by first compiling a simple list of her likes and dislikes. For example, she started out slowly by writing down that she liked the color "green." So, she became "someone who likes the color, 'green." Well, I don't like green. In fact, my favorite color is blue.
Since I have been struggling, I've decided to compose a list of likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc, to help me out and quite frankly pass some time (boredom is a big trigger).

Here goes:

likes:
Hello Kitty
shades of blue (from sky blue to a dark blue)
the singer, Pink
singing
dancing
speaking with various accents
making people laugh
the fall
painting my nails

dislikes:
hot weather
racist people
large, Catholic weddings
pushy people

accomplishments:
getting my driver's license
not having to go to day treatment anymore
graduating from college
I sold cutlery for a week.
I 've been a sub teacher's aide.
I've been a home care aide.
I had my own tutoring program.
I volunteered at a pet shelter.
I married the man of my dreams (and am still happily married).
We are out of debt.
I stood up to a therapist when I knew in my heart I was right.
I stood up to my boss when he was inappropriate.
I make jewelry.
I have a blog.

That's all for now. What are your "likes?"

Isn't having bpd

great? Ugh, why can't I ever validate myself? Why do I always have to look to other people? Why after I finish an accomplishment, it then seems so small, even useless?

BPDs have to "embrace" their pain. So this emptiness I feel, this loneliness, this "I'm not worth shit" this "no one gives a fuck," I have to "embrace" it. So I have to "just feel crappy until I don't feel crappy anymore." OK. I think I can do that. Oh, and breathe. I'll try.

The emptiness consumes me

BPD sucks when I feel like I have nothing to know and like I'm not worth anything because of it. I've been doing crafts here lately and want to sell them, but don't have the money to really buy a lot of materials, to sell them. I was so bored, last night, I guess I wanted to feel something, anything besides this emptiness, so anyway, I did something I shouldn't have. It wasn't major or harmful, but I felt really guilty and told Hubby about it today. He was hurt, but forgave me. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but i guess it does anyway, since it hurt him. when I read" i hate you -don't leave me," it said that one of the symptoms is "chronic emptiness." I have emptiness, but it's not chronic..,. good thing I've been working on this bpd thing.

I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

update

I have been-cleaning, working, crafting, getting financial stuff straightened out with Hubby, taking care of things.
I have seen so many bpd blogs out there where people are really struggling-going in and out of the hospital, cutting, etc.
Listen fellow borderlines, I know taking care of yourself is hard waaay hard, but if I can do it-you can too! I hate the "gray areas", too. Boredom can be really frightening, I know, but I have decided to end my own personal chaos, 'cause I'd rather be living and dealing with life vs. being treated like a mental patient and acting out like a mental patient. There is hope. It's a long road, but YOU CAN DO IT! Love, Steph

Awesome song (may trigger)

Why aren't you there?

My counselour doesn't call me back when I call her ... ever. Four weeks ago, I was raking leaves and accidentlyt caught the yard on fire. It almost reached the neighbors' house. Needless to say, I was a little shooken up. My bpd kicked in a thought I needed to be punished for messing up. I saw her yesterday and askded why she didn't call me back. She said that I had sounded a little muffled on the phone, but this woman knows my damn number. Is she just being a lousy ass counselour or what? This happened four friggin weeks ago. I need a support system, and I sure pay enough to see her, why can't I get the support? It really pissed me off.

I used to...

have a pretend life with an imaginary persona, well many different imaginary personas. That's how I dealt with my selective mutism. The kids in class would talk and goof off, while I pretended to be anywhere but there, and anyone but myself, for that sake. Now, I take medication. I don't have imaginary personas these days. I just try to deal with talking in public and making friends. It can be hard and it was kinda fun to have imaginary personas, but that wasn't reality and I want reality no matter how crappy it is.

Well...

I made it through both of our family thanksgiving parties. I decided yesterday that I better start taking a half of klonopin in the afternoon to deal with my stress and worry. Hubby has been off of work for vacation time this past week and he starts back tom. We've kinda been making friends with this couple at church, Idk, saying "hi" and catching up and stuff. I'm so terrified of having new relationships. I think I have problems with boundaries. I know I have abandonment and intimacy issues. Ugh.. I hope I get another job soon.

Time

My therapist says I have way too much free time on my hands and becasue of this, I worry and think too much, basically making myself miserable with my bad thoughts. But what can I do, really? We are in a bit of financial trouble (never buy I bloody house ever!) Car parts are breaking, the cat is getting sick. I want to go to the gym, but that costs money. We cannont afford cable. I have the internet, the cat, my pt job, and church. That's all folks! Everything costs money, seems like. It snowed yesterday. Too much time. I had a job interview and am waiting to hear back. It gets dark at 5pm. I asked Hubby if one could literally be bored to death. I guess I should just sit back and wait ((shudder))I am fat I am fat I am fat.

Trigger from the past

I saw someone who had helped torment me in school. And I think she lives in our neighborhood. And the sadness came back, and the fear, and the anger. I saw her mother today. I don't know what to think or do. I know the past is the past, but the trauma of my childhood is why I have bPd in the first place. Any Help?

Jar of Hearts

Sad

I have a smiley face!!!!

I was thinking of calling some family members and telling them about the news of my ovulation, but then thought it would be weird. (ya think? ha ha) So, why not blog it, eh? After a week or so of having a plain circle after peeing on the ovulation detector stick, I have a smiley face, yes! I'm so happy the first round of Clomid worked, now the hard, err fun part, err lol.
I got a call from the lady that I was supposed to have the nanny interview with today and she checked into daycare rates, so she's having second thoughts about hiring someone in their home. Daycare is only 27 dollars a day. I am asking for fifty. I hope she reconsiders, but she'll talk with her husband about it and call me back in a few days. But, I have a smiley face finally, and that rocks!

Goals.

Goals have always been important to me and my mental health. I've decided to make a few. For example, Before I start to review a new lesson in my class course, I am going to write in my planner when I will have my quiz for that lesson each week. I am also looking for a pt job besides my homecare job. I plan to rock my nanny interview tom. 'cause it's perfect, but If I don't get it, I will keep on looking for something else that will be good for me (one on one care, low stress, etc.) Hubby and I also plan to start walking and biking this fall. I also need to play more with Ribbon. I'm so glad summer is almost over. I hope we start to have cooler weather.

so much anxiety!

I am stuggling with a huge case of anxiety and nerves right now. I think I can pinpoint some of it to having to deal with some certain people again. I hope that is all it is. I hope this clomid isn't making me completely crazy.

Will opt to blog instead of cutting

I am like a pale, oompa loompa ontop of my husband during sex. HOw the fuck did I get so god damn fat? I was so horribly feeling alone today that I opted to have dinner with my parents. My mom is so stuck up and judgmenetal , I can't stand the sound of her voice, but yes, that was how goddamn lonely I was.
I hate our house. We went from a bigger town to a town of like 1200 people. Everyone knows everyone else and their business. They won't help me one fucking bit while I am struggling to mow the yard. It's like sorry we don't drink and aren'[t Cathoilidc and don't sleep with our neighbors , but can I please have a fucking hand? They all mock me on their retarded riding mowers. I hate this goddamn red neck small fuck up the ass place so goddamn mkuch and our kids, ya know if a fucking miracle happens and we actually concieve that is, will hate this place and hate us for buying this fucking house.
i can't put shit on a goddamn resume to get a job I am proud of. My self esteem is like one thousand below a goddamn porta potty in Haiti. I have this pain in my stomache and my doctor, his nurses, the doctor's assistant and the secretary are all fucking idiots. I don't know anything I am dumb as fuck and pathetic. Fuck , I can't even get the goddamn neighbor boy to mow our yard.

The Dad Life rap (awesome)!

Dear fill in the blank,

Since you can't even take care of yourself, stop fucking having children already. YOU are an idiot and I hate you.

Med increase and trip to the city

Pdoc has increase Seroqual from 200 to 300. I hope this will help. She can't go any higher on the Pristiq and doesn't want to jack with the klonopin. To release stress, Hubby and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We went to six Flags, Union Station and the science center. Here's some pics.