Bad Self Harm Thoughts...

have popped up again. I am stressed out over money. Hubby's car broke down.
It's so weird I feel so bad-fat, ugly, unloved. Why can't I just be normal? My therapist told me last week that there was no such thing as summmer depression. She told me it was all in my head. WTF? I'm trying to get some sun and be a good little girl like she asked, but it's not helping. I hate this.

Damn it!

The person I worked for at the new job this week doesn't want to work with me. I feel horrible. I want to just give up. We have no money. Life sucks. I hate myself.

Trigger from the past

I saw someone who had helped torment me in school. And I think she lives in our neighborhood. And the sadness came back, and the fear, and the anger. I saw her mother today. I don't know what to think or do. I know the past is the past, but the trauma of my childhood is why I have bPd in the first place. Any Help?

Will opt to blog instead of cutting

I am like a pale, oompa loompa ontop of my husband during sex. HOw the fuck did I get so god damn fat? I was so horribly feeling alone today that I opted to have dinner with my parents. My mom is so stuck up and judgmenetal , I can't stand the sound of her voice, but yes, that was how goddamn lonely I was.
I hate our house. We went from a bigger town to a town of like 1200 people. Everyone knows everyone else and their business. They won't help me one fucking bit while I am struggling to mow the yard. It's like sorry we don't drink and aren'[t Cathoilidc and don't sleep with our neighbors , but can I please have a fucking hand? They all mock me on their retarded riding mowers. I hate this goddamn red neck small fuck up the ass place so goddamn mkuch and our kids, ya know if a fucking miracle happens and we actually concieve that is, will hate this place and hate us for buying this fucking house.
i can't put shit on a goddamn resume to get a job I am proud of. My self esteem is like one thousand below a goddamn porta potty in Haiti. I have this pain in my stomache and my doctor, his nurses, the doctor's assistant and the secretary are all fucking idiots. I don't know anything I am dumb as fuck and pathetic. Fuck , I can't even get the goddamn neighbor boy to mow our yard.

Feeling better

I think my Serotonin levels are back up (thank God) I feel so much better. I'm less anxious and less worried. Sure, when I took a three hour nap, I had drooled in my sleep, but this med increase is worth it. Ugg!

People actually follow my blog!

Am I slow or what? I just clicked on the "followers" part of my blog and found out I have three followers! It's very exciting! I just thought WC was the only person besides sis #2 who was reading my blog. I better put more effort into this sucker and write a bit every day or so. Oh, we have only ten, yes ten more days before we move into the new house. We still have so much stuff to pack. I can't believe we have so much junk in out little apartment!
I guess the increase in Prisitiq and adding of the Trazodone is working. I haven't felt real horrible in about a week.

Stuff we will have in the new house that we've never had at the apartment:

a yard (have to mow it)

a double garage (sweet!)

no railroad track next to us (yes!)

a patio/deck thingy

a fireplace (place to hang stockings-check)

trash pickup (instead of a communal dumpster)

neighbors that we can actually be friends with

a mailbox

1.5 bathrooms

an extra bedroom

Trazodone Zombie

Even though it was given to me as a sleep aid, I cannot sleep with it. I toss and turn, then finally head for the couch. So, I didn't take any last night. I'm not gonna take any today and see how it goes, but I do love the way it decreases the ole appetite , so I might just take it in the morning. Oh yeah, I've increased my Pristiq to 100mg. I was going to play basketball today, but it rained, but I actually got up and outside before noon. Woo hoo!

I haz a happee?

I feel so much better and I think it's becasue i've just endured a week away from my enabling mother, henceforth-giving me my self esteem, courage, self motivation, and empowerment back! It's been a while since I've felt this good and the horrible week I've had of trying to deal without her has soooo been worth it. I can do things by myself. I can do things for myself. I can.

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

Best New's Years Eve Ever!

contained:
1 pizza
1 pepsi
lots of energy
1 younger sister

did:
played on Girlsense.com for hours and had a blast

was:
Awesome!!!

regrets of evening: went to bed too late, so had restless leg syndrome(sucks)

soo...

I'm trying to not freak out about finances. I went to the gym twice this week and made it to work for the third week in a row(something I'm very proud of) I am having the in laws and parents over Saturday and hope I survive. My car is broken again! I can't friggin believe it. Our toilet is broken too. The maintenance guy came to fix it and left to get a part for it, but hasn't come back yet ...Breathe... My selective mutism really took over at bible study last night. I hate groups of people, but hubby likes them. ugg. I need to numb my face for two hours with EMLA for electrolis soon, so that maintenace man better hurry back. I'm pissy, 'cause I think I'm getting my period, so people will just have to deal with it or something. Thank god I have the gym to work out all my anxiety.