Update

I've had to up my Seroqual to 300 mg (the highest dose I take.) I'm pretty sure things are bad because of the summer weather. My ocd has been driving me mad, I've been extra sensitive and paranoid. Self harm thoughts have been so strong lately, also. Last night, I was checking out stuff about selective mutism and bam- bpd trigger (ugh). The Hubs practically forced me to increase it (the Seroqual)last night, so I feel a little better today.
I'm making myself walk every day before work and I've started eating healthier. I know this will also make me feel better.
Our AC is on the fritz so that's been on my mind. Plus the guy that looked at it was super creepy. The Hubs will be there next time he fixes the part(thank God).

Oh, and I luuuv my online bpd class.

Problems with Identity

Well, I've been struggling a little lately and it's late and I don't have to go to work tom., so I'm up and blogging. Tami Green is a dbt life coach and in one of her videos, she talks about the bpd criteria of problems with identity. She started to find out who she was by first compiling a simple list of her likes and dislikes. For example, she started out slowly by writing down that she liked the color "green." So, she became "someone who likes the color, 'green." Well, I don't like green. In fact, my favorite color is blue.
Since I have been struggling, I've decided to compose a list of likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc, to help me out and quite frankly pass some time (boredom is a big trigger).

Here goes:

likes:
Hello Kitty
shades of blue (from sky blue to a dark blue)
the singer, Pink
singing
dancing
speaking with various accents
making people laugh
the fall
painting my nails

dislikes:
hot weather
racist people
large, Catholic weddings
pushy people

accomplishments:
getting my driver's license
not having to go to day treatment anymore
graduating from college
I sold cutlery for a week.
I 've been a sub teacher's aide.
I've been a home care aide.
I had my own tutoring program.
I volunteered at a pet shelter.
I married the man of my dreams (and am still happily married).
We are out of debt.
I stood up to a therapist when I knew in my heart I was right.
I stood up to my boss when he was inappropriate.
I make jewelry.
I have a blog.

That's all for now. What are your "likes?"

The emptiness consumes me

BPD sucks when I feel like I have nothing to know and like I'm not worth anything because of it. I've been doing crafts here lately and want to sell them, but don't have the money to really buy a lot of materials, to sell them. I was so bored, last night, I guess I wanted to feel something, anything besides this emptiness, so anyway, I did something I shouldn't have. It wasn't major or harmful, but I felt really guilty and told Hubby about it today. He was hurt, but forgave me. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but i guess it does anyway, since it hurt him. when I read" i hate you -don't leave me," it said that one of the symptoms is "chronic emptiness." I have emptiness, but it's not chronic..,. good thing I've been working on this bpd thing.

I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

This should keep me busy...

I've been feeling horribly down lately. (Hormonal, maybe?) So, I've decided to get crafty. I saw some stuff on youtube about towel animals and such, so I might give it a go. If it goes well, I might make up a website to sell them, or else give them out as Christmas gifts.

Remora fish and bpd

I was talking to my good friend recently. She was struggling with hearing voices and I was struggling with anxiety at the same time. While hospitalized, they had to pin her down to give her a shot. She laughed and said the fight she put up was " a little borderline." I was like, "ya think." I told her I was struggling with anxiety and said my bpd popped up with it, too, making Hubby's life a living hell. It's like whatever, you are dealing with , bpd is like remora fish, those fish that are on sharks, along for the ride. What do u think?

Update

Enjoying ribbon and her company , but can feel my summer depression creeping in. I just have to make myself do things, keep seeing my counselour weekly and get outside more I guess. We're actually making couple friends and I'm excited about that. Also, my niece has tee ball games on Wednesday. I'm planning on painting our bedroom this summer, too. It has this creepy old lady wallpaper on it and HAS to be removed soon. haha. Lots of flowers are blooming around the house. It's a nice surprise. It keeeps raining, though, and I need to mow the yard soooo bad. Becasue of the rain, our driveway has flooded several times, so Hubby and I are going to dig a ditch and put in some pipe. Wish us luck!

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

Time to finally grow up?

With having BPD, acting, or rather reacting to situations like a 6-year old comes so naturally. Throwing fits, freaking out when stress comes your way, shutting down when something bad happens- all part of it, but does it have to be? I hope not.
I've tried journaling, planning my day, etc. I just haven't "found my happy" or had some peace for a long period of time for the last two years. And no one wants to be admitted to the psych ward just to have the leading psychiatrist tell you to stop acting like a child. So, what to do? I think the journey begins with finding yourself. Who you really are, what you really like, what you are really all about. I have been so happy and calm and self loving before for long periods of time, but how did I get there? Hmmm. Somewhere I picked up some self esteem and self pride-by actually doing things for myself and by myself. I didn't let others enable me, even though I could've easily let them and I stepped up to the plate, even though I was terrified or just too tired, it is so much easier just to go back to bed in the morning when you turn off the alarm clock-Am I rignt? Also, I worked on my identity issues (another toughie) Instead of just "doing hobbies" or "working on crafts", I tried new things, even though I could easily mess it up. I checked out new stuff, new people and it was Awesome!
So...I guess I need to renew my knowledge on the subject of living a great life with BPD and well, grow up. I mean, I do turn 30 in a few months. I think it's time!

Merry Christmas!

so, just got back from the third , of our four Christmas parties. I"m quite surprised I haven't gone borderline. I'm keeping pretty calm. I get an assesment to see my old pdoc that moved to a different place in January. NOt preggo yet. Older sister is trying for a third(so annoying) Gonna try subbing after New Years again, along with my job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finances have been freakin my out, but got some Christmas money from family. Thank God. I'm really upset about my weight. I'm getting like this freakin pouch thing. Ugg. Has pristiq caused weight gain for anyojhe else? I"m only on 50 mg.?? I haven't killed my husband yet, then again he's off work 'til Jan. 4th. (for threee weeks)-so there's still time hee hee
I had a few meltdowns before and after the inlaws came over for supper, but my monthly finnally started and that has helped (gross, I know, but just saying how it is) Fingers crossed. Peace.

Tami Green, anyone?

I found out about this amazing, speaker, adovate, and person with BPD while surfing youtube. Anyone with BPD or who has a loved one with BPD must check her out!

Excitement!

So many good things to type about. First of all, sinced I've been getting the experience of being a teacher's aide last year and this year, I finally found out what ages I want to work with and have been contacting the college-very awesome! I'm really glad I have experience working with all kinds of kids and different age groups, so I could make a bettter decidsion-I am going to be a preschool teacher (one of these years), but I'm so happy that I finally found out what I really want todo with my life.
Last night, I had a BPD breakthrough. I felt angry and cheated with my husband. I was either going to start a dramamtic fight or just go to bed, depresssed (probably waking up in the morning , feeling worse. ) But no, out of nowhere, I took the high road and announced to my husband that I was angry. Then, we talked about why and made a lot of healthy changes. I'm so happy he's so patient with me and willing to communicate. This is a big thing, since I've acted on my emotions for about over a year, not thinking , just becoming dramatic, or going inside myself-all depressed. Good day, eh?

being married and borderline

Every time I go to see my shrink, I always get asked if I'm still married. I think a lot of people in the mental health field are schocked when they find out I am a Borderline, yet happily married. Then again, I can't blame them. When a borderline gets close to someone, they sometimes get rid of them if boredom occurs becaue they need a little chaos in their now settled life. My dating life was complete chaos before I met my husband and I liked it, I'm afraid to say. The breakups and maeups, the intessness, the highs and lows-exciting. But, they were alll losers and I never thought I'd marry. Then, I met my husband. Sure I"d go all borderline on him, but he wouldn't up it (which made me mad), he just stayed around
'til I cooled down. Yep, he was defintaely made for me. I'm so glad my husband understands me and knows I'm just "being borderline" when I tell hi8m hateful things and to leave me. If you are married and borderline, I would strongly encourage you to have your mate read "I hate you -don't leave me." My husband read it when we were dating and has a wonderful grasp on an ugly part of me.