Haven't blogged for a bit...

So, here goes: I'm still struggling with my mood (mostly the depression). HOwever, since my med increase, the self harm thoughts and the paranoia are practically gone. I"m just trying to make it through the summer. I'm trying to not be too hard on myself-just be happy that I can make it to work , then go home and nap.
I know when fall gets here, I'll be feeling much better. I might try working more this fall, too(something I've been really thinking about).
Anywho, that's about it.

Update

I've had to up my Seroqual to 300 mg (the highest dose I take.) I'm pretty sure things are bad because of the summer weather. My ocd has been driving me mad, I've been extra sensitive and paranoid. Self harm thoughts have been so strong lately, also. Last night, I was checking out stuff about selective mutism and bam- bpd trigger (ugh). The Hubs practically forced me to increase it (the Seroqual)last night, so I feel a little better today.
I'm making myself walk every day before work and I've started eating healthier. I know this will also make me feel better.
Our AC is on the fritz so that's been on my mind. Plus the guy that looked at it was super creepy. The Hubs will be there next time he fixes the part(thank God).

Oh, and I luuuv my online bpd class.

Problems with Identity

Well, I've been struggling a little lately and it's late and I don't have to go to work tom., so I'm up and blogging. Tami Green is a dbt life coach and in one of her videos, she talks about the bpd criteria of problems with identity. She started to find out who she was by first compiling a simple list of her likes and dislikes. For example, she started out slowly by writing down that she liked the color "green." So, she became "someone who likes the color, 'green." Well, I don't like green. In fact, my favorite color is blue.
Since I have been struggling, I've decided to compose a list of likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc, to help me out and quite frankly pass some time (boredom is a big trigger).

Here goes:

likes:
Hello Kitty
shades of blue (from sky blue to a dark blue)
the singer, Pink
singing
dancing
speaking with various accents
making people laugh
the fall
painting my nails

dislikes:
hot weather
racist people
large, Catholic weddings
pushy people

accomplishments:
getting my driver's license
not having to go to day treatment anymore
graduating from college
I sold cutlery for a week.
I 've been a sub teacher's aide.
I've been a home care aide.
I had my own tutoring program.
I volunteered at a pet shelter.
I married the man of my dreams (and am still happily married).
We are out of debt.
I stood up to a therapist when I knew in my heart I was right.
I stood up to my boss when he was inappropriate.
I make jewelry.
I have a blog.

That's all for now. What are your "likes?"

Bad Self Harm Thoughts...

have popped up again. I am stressed out over money. Hubby's car broke down.
It's so weird I feel so bad-fat, ugly, unloved. Why can't I just be normal? My therapist told me last week that there was no such thing as summmer depression. She told me it was all in my head. WTF? I'm trying to get some sun and be a good little girl like she asked, but it's not helping. I hate this.

Lovin my...

online DBT class! I just googled " free online DBT class" about a month ago and just turned in my 3rd assignment. I took DBT when I was 21, but it's been 10 years ago! I'm so glad I found another, plus it's free!
However, I'm kinda sad at how much I've forgotten my coping skills. My self talk and everything has been pretty shitty for such a long time. Anyway, wish me luck!

Isn't having bpd

great? Ugh, why can't I ever validate myself? Why do I always have to look to other people? Why after I finish an accomplishment, it then seems so small, even useless?

BPDs have to "embrace" their pain. So this emptiness I feel, this loneliness, this "I'm not worth shit" this "no one gives a fuck," I have to "embrace" it. So I have to "just feel crappy until I don't feel crappy anymore." OK. I think I can do that. Oh, and breathe. I'll try.

The emptiness consumes me

BPD sucks when I feel like I have nothing to know and like I'm not worth anything because of it. I've been doing crafts here lately and want to sell them, but don't have the money to really buy a lot of materials, to sell them. I was so bored, last night, I guess I wanted to feel something, anything besides this emptiness, so anyway, I did something I shouldn't have. It wasn't major or harmful, but I felt really guilty and told Hubby about it today. He was hurt, but forgave me. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but i guess it does anyway, since it hurt him. when I read" i hate you -don't leave me," it said that one of the symptoms is "chronic emptiness." I have emptiness, but it's not chronic..,. good thing I've been working on this bpd thing.

I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

Facebook chat is...

totally awesome! Since I'm introverted yet want to talk, I looooove it! So happy for technology! Still trying to find more work. Still trying to keep my spririts up and always workin on my recovery!

update

I have been-cleaning, working, crafting, getting financial stuff straightened out with Hubby, taking care of things.
I have seen so many bpd blogs out there where people are really struggling-going in and out of the hospital, cutting, etc.
Listen fellow borderlines, I know taking care of yourself is hard waaay hard, but if I can do it-you can too! I hate the "gray areas", too. Boredom can be really frightening, I know, but I have decided to end my own personal chaos, 'cause I'd rather be living and dealing with life vs. being treated like a mental patient and acting out like a mental patient. There is hope. It's a long road, but YOU CAN DO IT! Love, Steph

Are emotional cameleons weak?

Whenever I "take on the characteristics of people around me" -which I do all the time, I feel like I have taken a step back in my recovery. Why can't I just be me? Why do I feel pushed around in my friendships?
I guess there are positive things to being a cameleon. I mean, I can imitate any singer or actor, once I hear them. This makes people laugh. But really, who am I? Why do I have to turn into those around me? This doesn't help my low self-esteem problem at all!
Good thing I like music. Below, I have posted a new song by Pink, so raise your glass!

Why aren't you there?

My counselour doesn't call me back when I call her ... ever. Four weeks ago, I was raking leaves and accidentlyt caught the yard on fire. It almost reached the neighbors' house. Needless to say, I was a little shooken up. My bpd kicked in a thought I needed to be punished for messing up. I saw her yesterday and askded why she didn't call me back. She said that I had sounded a little muffled on the phone, but this woman knows my damn number. Is she just being a lousy ass counselour or what? This happened four friggin weeks ago. I need a support system, and I sure pay enough to see her, why can't I get the support? It really pissed me off.

So fellow borderlines...

are you hyper sensitive, too? any thoughts?

Time

My therapist says I have way too much free time on my hands and becasue of this, I worry and think too much, basically making myself miserable with my bad thoughts. But what can I do, really? We are in a bit of financial trouble (never buy I bloody house ever!) Car parts are breaking, the cat is getting sick. I want to go to the gym, but that costs money. We cannont afford cable. I have the internet, the cat, my pt job, and church. That's all folks! Everything costs money, seems like. It snowed yesterday. Too much time. I had a job interview and am waiting to hear back. It gets dark at 5pm. I asked Hubby if one could literally be bored to death. I guess I should just sit back and wait ((shudder))I am fat I am fat I am fat.

Remora fish and bpd

I was talking to my good friend recently. She was struggling with hearing voices and I was struggling with anxiety at the same time. While hospitalized, they had to pin her down to give her a shot. She laughed and said the fight she put up was " a little borderline." I was like, "ya think." I told her I was struggling with anxiety and said my bpd popped up with it, too, making Hubby's life a living hell. It's like whatever, you are dealing with , bpd is like remora fish, those fish that are on sharks, along for the ride. What do u think?

Can borderlines become foster parents?

Hubby and I have been talking a long time about becoming foster parents. I have my doubts if "they" will let me , though. I called the local adoption/foster place today. The lady wasn't in , but I left amessage for her to call me. It's been about a year and a half of us trying to get pregnant and I'm so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. At the get together, I rocked and read to niecey poo #2 and it fel tso right. Humph.

Trazodone

Interesting. I've cut my dose in half. Now I take 25mg. It makes me really sleepy in the morning, but I bought some soda. I'm still taking it, though 'cuz it decreases my appetite (awesome). Oddly, it increases my libido, too, which makes Hubby happy, but whatever. I'm just glad I'm not eating everything in sight. Oh, and I haven't been "borderline" for a long time (a good week). I've cut down stressors-not going to bible study and subbing at the schools. I think this has helped. Since we're in the process of getting our house, we had the inspection last Friday, we've beeen really busy doing house stuff. I think decreasing the extra stressors was a really good idea (thanks M), since buying a house can be very overwhelming. I see my pdoc Tuesday and am going to talk to her about increasing my Pristiq. My summer depression aka reverse S.A.D. is kicking in and I want to do stuff like plant a garden and play basketball this summer, dammit! Peace Out.

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

Time to finally grow up?

With having BPD, acting, or rather reacting to situations like a 6-year old comes so naturally. Throwing fits, freaking out when stress comes your way, shutting down when something bad happens- all part of it, but does it have to be? I hope not.
I've tried journaling, planning my day, etc. I just haven't "found my happy" or had some peace for a long period of time for the last two years. And no one wants to be admitted to the psych ward just to have the leading psychiatrist tell you to stop acting like a child. So, what to do? I think the journey begins with finding yourself. Who you really are, what you really like, what you are really all about. I have been so happy and calm and self loving before for long periods of time, but how did I get there? Hmmm. Somewhere I picked up some self esteem and self pride-by actually doing things for myself and by myself. I didn't let others enable me, even though I could've easily let them and I stepped up to the plate, even though I was terrified or just too tired, it is so much easier just to go back to bed in the morning when you turn off the alarm clock-Am I rignt? Also, I worked on my identity issues (another toughie) Instead of just "doing hobbies" or "working on crafts", I tried new things, even though I could easily mess it up. I checked out new stuff, new people and it was Awesome!
So...I guess I need to renew my knowledge on the subject of living a great life with BPD and well, grow up. I mean, I do turn 30 in a few months. I think it's time!

Cure for bpd: exhaustion!

at least for a little while! I have increased my work schedule since we are getting a house, and it's been great for my self esteem, depression , and BPD. I am also moving to a different town and very excited to start a new chapter in my life. I will have a yard, a two car garage and a basketball hoop in the driveway. Rock on!