Thursday, April 30, 2009

saw pdoc

increasing my prozac to 80mg. and have to have bloodtest to see if any of the meds are actually getting in my blood, instead of going straight to my liver. See her again next month

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


my flower garden (dirt in pots on my balcony) is looking pretty good and has held up despite all this rain we've had. I see my pdoc tom. Gonna talk about my annoying naps and my dysthymia. I naven't been majorly depressed, been trying to get up and do things, so fingers crossed.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

what's uP?

Good weekend, cleaned the house and spent time outdoors. Rented"eagle eye" and it was awesome. HOpe tom. goes well.

Friday, April 24, 2009


"I would like to be an eagle because they are big, strong and they can soar"(former sm daughter's quote).

Sunday, April 19, 2009

did u know?

"You can be greater than anything that can happen to you." -Norman Vincent Peale

Monday, April 13, 2009

Question of the day

Q:Even though you've had many struggles, what do you do on a daily basis that screams, "I am NOT a victim!"?

my A: I get up in the morning.

Please put your answer in the form of a comment. Thanks.

Friday, April 3, 2009

fav. quotes

" A person's worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea is in being, not in doing, not in having." - Alice Mary Hilton

"It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship." -Norman Vincent Peale

affirmations from the psych ward stay

Acceptance Stuff

This is a reply on my question dealing with acceptace that I asked on a mental helath forum and I love it:

i think for me acceptance came after facing up to what id lost. so many lost opportunities due to all the abuse. i was allways the cleverest kid in my class, won every award, sat extra exams early, excelled at every sport and extra curicular activity, won art competitions, poetry competitions, dance competitions, every horse show i got taken too. i have very severe adhd, along with disgraphia and cptsd dx age 13, but i still did perfectly at everything despite no effort and being utterly self destructive. i was a member of junior mensa as a kid cause my iq is 172 or 173 (cant memeber exactly). I was the kid everyone said would do best, would earn most would get best degree. well i decided to change this for myself i didnt want to be a statistic, so i chose a degree i cared about, then found myself bored! i didnt know who i was or why and couldnt make any positive choices for myself based on this. i had allways had to be perfect as a kid, i put an extraordinary amount of effort into this as it was the only way i could survive, the only way i recieved any care from anyone was to be flawless. I was never popular, that would have been too difficult considering my home probs, but i was allways pretty, allways daring, so I got alot of attention from peers that way. Evereything i was existed only because i needed to survive. realising this, that i had talents only because of this, that these things were not me by choice but rather by necessity, facing the loss of self this posed to me, the loss of opportunities, all those years i could have been buildinga life that was mine, skills that I valued, intrests that actually intrested me!!!! so much loss

the acceptance came after this. the understanding that it was my right to choose what i valued, to be who i wanted. yes there are things that i am discontented with, but there are for everyone because thats normal, these things dont rule my life and dont determin my self worth. discovering what i actually care about is pretty amazing in itself. i can accept who i am now because i can ccept i have a future, with future possibilities determind only by me. Im not interested in conventional standards, academics cant see past their own tiny world and i want more than that, I can use what i know to help others, I have worked with many kids who were in the same situations I was and thats much more worthwhile. I can actually enjoy being pretty now, its no longer a means to an end, its just a nice thing. I dont have to write flawless eassays to impress, i can write what I want when i want for me, which is far more satisfying. Im sure others might discover other values when they discover themselves, these are just somethings that mattered to me. seeing the truth of what id been through freed me to see the truth of my here and now, accept it and improove things for myself, not for others. I still go back and forward, its never going to be perfect, but its real.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

working on

"acceptance." I stayed up late tonight and got to thinking. I could be so much worse off. I mean, the people I met in the state hospital will probably never get to do normal things, like get married or go to college , or fall in love, or drive a car, or have a job. Yes, I'm screwed up, but I've come a long way and am not entirely incapable.
Thoughts like that make my pride issues go away and usher in humility. Hmmm.

From: Jackal's blog


Well, I was in the looney bin last Monday for thirteen hours because of stress brought upon by myself (yeah). The pdoc there talked to me about accepting where I am at right now and said something about that if this were the 50's , I'd be in a state hospital this whole time. But, it's really hard to accept where I am, I mean, I always thought I'd go to a universtity, make lots of money, change the world, etc. I can't even hold a job for more than a couple months becasue I get burnt out. I can't handle every day stress, Ill get all borderline and throw it on Hubby or go to bed, not moving for days. So, fellow sufferers, how am I supposed to accept all that? Anyone?