Friday, April 3, 2009

Acceptance Stuff

This is a reply on my question dealing with acceptace that I asked on a mental helath forum and I love it:

i think for me acceptance came after facing up to what id lost. so many lost opportunities due to all the abuse. i was allways the cleverest kid in my class, won every award, sat extra exams early, excelled at every sport and extra curicular activity, won art competitions, poetry competitions, dance competitions, every horse show i got taken too. i have very severe adhd, along with disgraphia and cptsd dx age 13, but i still did perfectly at everything despite no effort and being utterly self destructive. i was a member of junior mensa as a kid cause my iq is 172 or 173 (cant memeber exactly). I was the kid everyone said would do best, would earn most would get best degree. well i decided to change this for myself i didnt want to be a statistic, so i chose a degree i cared about, then found myself bored! i didnt know who i was or why and couldnt make any positive choices for myself based on this. i had allways had to be perfect as a kid, i put an extraordinary amount of effort into this as it was the only way i could survive, the only way i recieved any care from anyone was to be flawless. I was never popular, that would have been too difficult considering my home probs, but i was allways pretty, allways daring, so I got alot of attention from peers that way. Evereything i was existed only because i needed to survive. realising this, that i had talents only because of this, that these things were not me by choice but rather by necessity, facing the loss of self this posed to me, the loss of opportunities, all those years i could have been buildinga life that was mine, skills that I valued, intrests that actually intrested me!!!! so much loss

the acceptance came after this. the understanding that it was my right to choose what i valued, to be who i wanted. yes there are things that i am discontented with, but there are for everyone because thats normal, these things dont rule my life and dont determin my self worth. discovering what i actually care about is pretty amazing in itself. i can accept who i am now because i can ccept i have a future, with future possibilities determind only by me. Im not interested in conventional standards, academics cant see past their own tiny world and i want more than that, I can use what i know to help others, I have worked with many kids who were in the same situations I was and thats much more worthwhile. I can actually enjoy being pretty now, its no longer a means to an end, its just a nice thing. I dont have to write flawless eassays to impress, i can write what I want when i want for me, which is far more satisfying. Im sure others might discover other values when they discover themselves, these are just somethings that mattered to me. seeing the truth of what id been through freed me to see the truth of my here and now, accept it and improove things for myself, not for others. I still go back and forward, its never going to be perfect, but its real.

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