Friday, October 16, 2009

"You need a doctor's note to get pregnant"

I had a great borderline breakthrough this evening. On September 11th, I went to see a obgyn (known to be one of the finest in the county). I was excited. My husband even came with me. We joked about the equipment as we waited in the examination room.
We were excited, yet nervous becasue I was having problems conceiving.
Anyway, the first thing he did was tell me that he didn't want me to "try" any more becasue I was taking klonopin ( a category d med). He then further berated me, making me feel like a fool and a crazy person. Not once did he ask why I was taking the medication, if I could come off of it. He was completely ignorant about mental illness, thus his outward stigma.
We went home and Hubby cried. He was in shock. I held it in, until this evening. I let myself feel the pain, the anger towards the doctor for being an ass, and the anger towards God for making me this way.
After voluntarily hospitalizing myself in the psych ward a couple weeks after that visit, feeling like cutting, acting like a six-year old, being mean and lashing out at my husband and others, making my life miserable and depressed... after all that, I finally let myself feel the pain I had been holding in since that visit.
Feeeling the pain wasn't fun, but the relief and outlook I had afterwards was better than any arm slicing and dicing, any self-inflicted depressive state I could put myself in, or any violence I could have caused.
Praise God I have the strength inside of me to deal with feeling so tormented for so long and being able to deal with it in a theraputic, healthy way (no matter how long ago the event was). This testimony is to give strength to all of us borderlines, suffering, in recovery, or otherwise. It is possible to get your happy back.

1 comment:

  1. A very wise friend of mine once told me that "emotion is energy in motion." Meaning, you have to let them move through you instead of trying to stop them or repress them, otherwise it's only going to cause lots of issues. What you describe in this post is exactly that! You let the energy of the emotion flow through you by FEELING IT - which is the only way to get it out! Go you! I'm so glad you had this experience and that you've come through it stronger!

    And you WILL get pregnant! When the time is right for YOUR BODY! I have faith!


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