I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

Updates and such

I haven't blogged for a while. I know. I just put some youtube stuff up, not really writing about my thoughts. August was a tough month for me and Hubby. Something big happened (little too personal to blog about), but fortunately in has only made our marriage stronger. I hadn't wanted to really blog because of it and all the feelings this thing that happened made me feel.
However, we went to the baby doctor Wednesday, a new one (my old one moved); they have different methods, and he ran some tests. I had a sonogram and a vaginal sonogram done. One of my ovaries has PCOS and that fallopian tube is blocked. This coming Wednesday, I go to the hospital for an outpatient HSG procedure. They are also going to try to unblock the fallopian tube with a catheter. I'm scared 'cause I heard it could be painful, but I would give my right arm for a baby, so I'm gonna have to grin and bear it. From there, I don't know what we'll do. We could have to do IVF treatments. But I'll find out Wednesday.
I saw my pdoc the week before last and got a script for Remeron. This stuff made me have horrible dreams. I told the nurse and got back on Pristiq, but 50mg instead of 100mg. I have also decreased my Seroqual down to 200. I've been going outside more and have been able to enjoy the house more. I'm sure it's the change in weather.
I feel a lot better about the baby thing. The other doctor just gave me Clomid, so I hope I get pregnant one of these days. Since I've also been feeling better mentally, i've been looking for another little part time job to add on. I may go back to subbing , but am going to pray about it. Peace.

so anyway...

I have enrolled in this medical transcription program thingy. I am quite excited about it. Even though I may not get a job as a medical transcription person down the road, I do enjoy learning and reading books.
I have been having severe bouts of depression , but have decided to NOT commit suicide. It's my husband that keeps me going. Yes, I do love him that much. I try to keep busy with work and with different new things on my plate. The despair that comes over me is so powerful though. I hope I am more powerful than it is.
I am currently peeing on a stick once a day. Not the pregnancy stick, but the ovulation stick. That's where forty-five of our dollars have gone. (Thank you, Wal-Mart). Come on Clomid, work for me now!
The baptism went okay. I wish our couple friends had been there, but they do have three kids. I do not feel any different or more "godly" I believe I'm as godly as I've always been. Not more. Not less. Then again, I gave my heart to God, nine years ago in a state mental hospital.
So anyway, this is my latest update.

Remora fish and bpd

I was talking to my good friend recently. She was struggling with hearing voices and I was struggling with anxiety at the same time. While hospitalized, they had to pin her down to give her a shot. She laughed and said the fight she put up was " a little borderline." I was like, "ya think." I told her I was struggling with anxiety and said my bpd popped up with it, too, making Hubby's life a living hell. It's like whatever, you are dealing with , bpd is like remora fish, those fish that are on sharks, along for the ride. What do u think?

Med increase and trip to the city

Pdoc has increase Seroqual from 200 to 300. I hope this will help. She can't go any higher on the Pristiq and doesn't want to jack with the klonopin. To release stress, Hubby and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We went to six Flags, Union Station and the science center. Here's some pics.

Ribbon is finally home!

We got the cat today. First she had to get surgery because there was a crystal in her urine. So, I had to wait. Then when I went to pick her up yesterday, right before I put her in her kitty carrier, I noticed that she had taken out her stitches, so I had to rush to the vet and wait until today. Because of the stitches incident, she is wearing "the cone of shame", which she hates, but she gets the stitches out in ten days or so. She is a very good cat and very loving. I think she will do wonders for my mood and boredom. I hope Hubby is glad we got a cat. He said he is, but I still wonder. I tried to upload a pic of her on my camera phone to my computer, but it didn't work , so pics are to come. Wish me and Ribbon luck. :)

Can borderlines become foster parents?

Hubby and I have been talking a long time about becoming foster parents. I have my doubts if "they" will let me , though. I called the local adoption/foster place today. The lady wasn't in , but I left amessage for her to call me. It's been about a year and a half of us trying to get pregnant and I'm so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. At the get together, I rocked and read to niecey poo #2 and it fel tso right. Humph.

Well...

I survived my birthday. I am now thirty. I was pretty depressed about it, so I decided to "embrace it." We had ribs and cake and I finally cleaned the rest of the house. Next Saturday, we are having our very first party/ get together thingy. Hubby mowed part of the yard so I need to mow the rest of it today. I'm just really glad that the entire house has been cleaned for the first time since we've been here. It's kinda stressful having about twenty people over, but I'm going to try not to freak over it. Wish me luck.

so...

I mowed our lawn today! While trying to get the motor started, I busted and bruised my finger. When I was almost done mowing, I fell into a sewer ditch. Whatever was in there (don't wanna think about it) was so thick that I needed help getting pulled out. Did I mention that last week I was toting five laundry baskets downstairs and fell down the steps! My tailbone is still sore. I love the house, but man we have a huge yard and the laundry is downstairs.
I made this stupid promise to Hubby that if we ever got a house, I would mow the yard. I looked at riding mowers and they cost more than my car, so I will need to toughen up, and make more than one trip with those stupid laundry baskets! Ha ha!

In order to lose weight...

buy a house! Ha! I lost ten pounds since we've been in the new house! I think it has to do with the moving and cleaning and just having a larger living area. I have to go downstairs and into the garage to do laundry and we don't have a t.v. on the first floor. I've become such a couch potato at the apartment. Plus, we have so much more responsiblities. Good move, pigtails, good move. I have yet to buy a lawnmower, but Hubby wants to be in on the purchase and the mowing will help my chubby tummy, too.

I'm going to try to

stay away from my tiggers aka my batshit crazy family. I decided to go back down on my Serouaual to 200, but try really hard to work on my coping skills and just kickin it with Hubby and myslef. I don't need the stress of my mom right now or my dad bitchin about my mom or my sister bitchin about my dad or my other sister just bitchin. I can't be on such low dose of Serouqual if I'm gonna be around that. Whew@ I'm kind of scared becasue Hubby will be signing up for unemployment Mon. He works for a company that makes car parts. They are gonna shut down the plant, but don't know how long. That's all for now.