Goals.

Goals have always been important to me and my mental health. I've decided to make a few. For example, Before I start to review a new lesson in my class course, I am going to write in my planner when I will have my quiz for that lesson each week. I am also looking for a pt job besides my homecare job. I plan to rock my nanny interview tom. 'cause it's perfect, but If I don't get it, I will keep on looking for something else that will be good for me (one on one care, low stress, etc.) Hubby and I also plan to start walking and biking this fall. I also need to play more with Ribbon. I'm so glad summer is almost over. I hope we start to have cooler weather.

Well...

I survived my birthday. I am now thirty. I was pretty depressed about it, so I decided to "embrace it." We had ribs and cake and I finally cleaned the rest of the house. Next Saturday, we are having our very first party/ get together thingy. Hubby mowed part of the yard so I need to mow the rest of it today. I'm just really glad that the entire house has been cleaned for the first time since we've been here. It's kinda stressful having about twenty people over, but I'm going to try not to freak over it. Wish me luck.

In the new house

Love :
the deck, the view of horses from my office window, the garage

But, the last owners left it so filthy and Hubby has had to fix tons of things that could have been really easy fixes for the last owners.

The last three days have been so busy and stressfful, but things are finally calming down. We're going bike riding tonight in our new neighborhood and I"m actually glad I will be doing laundry, just so it can start feeling like home. I may post pics soon. Til then...

I haz a happee?

I feel so much better and I think it's becasue i've just endured a week away from my enabling mother, henceforth-giving me my self esteem, courage, self motivation, and empowerment back! It's been a while since I've felt this good and the horrible week I've had of trying to deal without her has soooo been worth it. I can do things by myself. I can do things for myself. I can.

Time to finally grow up?

With having BPD, acting, or rather reacting to situations like a 6-year old comes so naturally. Throwing fits, freaking out when stress comes your way, shutting down when something bad happens- all part of it, but does it have to be? I hope not.
I've tried journaling, planning my day, etc. I just haven't "found my happy" or had some peace for a long period of time for the last two years. And no one wants to be admitted to the psych ward just to have the leading psychiatrist tell you to stop acting like a child. So, what to do? I think the journey begins with finding yourself. Who you really are, what you really like, what you are really all about. I have been so happy and calm and self loving before for long periods of time, but how did I get there? Hmmm. Somewhere I picked up some self esteem and self pride-by actually doing things for myself and by myself. I didn't let others enable me, even though I could've easily let them and I stepped up to the plate, even though I was terrified or just too tired, it is so much easier just to go back to bed in the morning when you turn off the alarm clock-Am I rignt? Also, I worked on my identity issues (another toughie) Instead of just "doing hobbies" or "working on crafts", I tried new things, even though I could easily mess it up. I checked out new stuff, new people and it was Awesome!
So...I guess I need to renew my knowledge on the subject of living a great life with BPD and well, grow up. I mean, I do turn 30 in a few months. I think it's time!

update

got my period, so the two weeks of horror are finally over! And we are house hunting! It's very exciting and I am finally feeling better!

update

it is cold and has snowed a couple inches. My boss said tonot come into work today 'cuz the roads are bad and the kids don't have school today. 'tom I go to have an assessment with the new ploace to see my old pdoc. It's a long drive and I hope the interstate is more cleared off. Anyway, I'm stuck inside, but I'm keeping myself busy-playing on the computer, cleaning, etc. I'm so happy I'm much calmer and happier than I've been in a olong while. I've really been working on things, especially my bpd-the finding your identity part, being happpy, etc. Yeah!

Thanks B.B. for the craft gift!

made by me on Girlsense.com

Stumbled , but didn't fall

I had a bad day yesterday. Today, however, I'm doing a lot better. It's a wonder how doing thirty minutes of cardio at the gym can make you feel. I also did it early in the morning, before work, which helps too. I"m still upset that I've got these small scabs on my face from my electrolisis apt, but I'm puttin on the Neosporin and trying not to worry about how it looks too much. Anywho, I'm up and awake and doin stuff. So, go me! :)

Challenge

I asked my therpaist today if I could see her in two weeks instead of next week. I've been seeing her once a week so far. She said that we could try it and find out how things go. This is a challenge for me for a few reasons. I have to now be super-uber mindful and on my game. Make myself go to the gym, beware of my emotions, and stay away from my triggers-these are a must. The place I go to for therapy is a private facility, so they don't have a crisis line or anything like that. Tuesday night was really difficult, and I thought all my work was going to go down the toilet. However, I recovered and grew from it.
I hope I can do it-work really hard on my borderline these next two weeks, but I feel pretty positive about it, which always helps.

Busy

I"ve been going to the gym and taking care of myself. I am a lot happier than I've beeen in a long while and me likey. Part of my borderline therpay is slowing down and doing things for myself. I tell ya, it's really helping. Even my relationships with other people are improving. The trick is, though, that I have to keep it up. That's the hard part, so I have to work hard.

Getting Better

After a couple weeks of resting, I got out of the house last night. We were gonna go mall walking, but I finally had to tell Hubby I was done after a half lap. At least I'm doing stuff again. Good thing , too, becasue I have a presentation tom. for a client.
The good thing about being confined to the apartment was that I found out that yes, I can hang out by myself and still have fun. It took me a while , but I finally could embrace my solitude. I call it "finding my happy."
Everyone gets so scared of being bored or alone, but you can be creative and find things to do and have fun even if you are all alone for weeks. It also gives you time to think and you get insight on things you normally wouldn't if you were distraccted by society. That's my take on it.