Haven't blogged for a bit...

So, here goes: I'm still struggling with my mood (mostly the depression). HOwever, since my med increase, the self harm thoughts and the paranoia are practically gone. I"m just trying to make it through the summer. I'm trying to not be too hard on myself-just be happy that I can make it to work , then go home and nap.
I know when fall gets here, I'll be feeling much better. I might try working more this fall, too(something I've been really thinking about).
Anywho, that's about it.

For Valentine's Day...

I saw my psychiatrist! It's a stupid holiday , anyway. so much pressure to have a good one, and good sex-sooo dumb.
Anywho, I had an appointment anyway, but a few days before my monthly , I had been getting paraniod, and I thought bad stuff and I usually get scared that the cops are out to get me, so my mom took me. It wasn't too bad. I have to up my Seroqual on those few days, which makes me soooo tired. I thought I was goin to get fired since I was late today for work, but at least I wasn't paranoid. I know I have tons of grammer mispells here , but I don't care and u probably can't understand , but I am doped up a bit. Hope u had a good day.

Updates and such

I haven't blogged for a while. I know. I just put some youtube stuff up, not really writing about my thoughts. August was a tough month for me and Hubby. Something big happened (little too personal to blog about), but fortunately in has only made our marriage stronger. I hadn't wanted to really blog because of it and all the feelings this thing that happened made me feel.
However, we went to the baby doctor Wednesday, a new one (my old one moved); they have different methods, and he ran some tests. I had a sonogram and a vaginal sonogram done. One of my ovaries has PCOS and that fallopian tube is blocked. This coming Wednesday, I go to the hospital for an outpatient HSG procedure. They are also going to try to unblock the fallopian tube with a catheter. I'm scared 'cause I heard it could be painful, but I would give my right arm for a baby, so I'm gonna have to grin and bear it. From there, I don't know what we'll do. We could have to do IVF treatments. But I'll find out Wednesday.
I saw my pdoc the week before last and got a script for Remeron. This stuff made me have horrible dreams. I told the nurse and got back on Pristiq, but 50mg instead of 100mg. I have also decreased my Seroqual down to 200. I've been going outside more and have been able to enjoy the house more. I'm sure it's the change in weather.
I feel a lot better about the baby thing. The other doctor just gave me Clomid, so I hope I get pregnant one of these days. Since I've also been feeling better mentally, i've been looking for another little part time job to add on. I may go back to subbing , but am going to pray about it. Peace.

so much anxiety!

I am stuggling with a huge case of anxiety and nerves right now. I think I can pinpoint some of it to having to deal with some certain people again. I hope that is all it is. I hope this clomid isn't making me completely crazy.

It's HOt!

It's waay hot! Also, my Prisiq makes me super hot and sensitive to the sun anyway, so yeah, I feel like I am having hot flashes. I start Clomid tom. and hope I only have to take one dose (a la preggors). On another note, I am getting baptized next week.

Feeling better

I think my Serotonin levels are back up (thank God) I feel so much better. I'm less anxious and less worried. Sure, when I took a three hour nap, I had drooled in my sleep, but this med increase is worth it. Ugg!

Med increase and trip to the city

Pdoc has increase Seroqual from 200 to 300. I hope this will help. She can't go any higher on the Pristiq and doesn't want to jack with the klonopin. To release stress, Hubby and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We went to six Flags, Union Station and the science center. Here's some pics.

People actually follow my blog!

Am I slow or what? I just clicked on the "followers" part of my blog and found out I have three followers! It's very exciting! I just thought WC was the only person besides sis #2 who was reading my blog. I better put more effort into this sucker and write a bit every day or so. Oh, we have only ten, yes ten more days before we move into the new house. We still have so much stuff to pack. I can't believe we have so much junk in out little apartment!
I guess the increase in Prisitiq and adding of the Trazodone is working. I haven't felt real horrible in about a week.

Stuff we will have in the new house that we've never had at the apartment:

a yard (have to mow it)

a double garage (sweet!)

no railroad track next to us (yes!)

a patio/deck thingy

a fireplace (place to hang stockings-check)

trash pickup (instead of a communal dumpster)

neighbors that we can actually be friends with

a mailbox

1.5 bathrooms

an extra bedroom

Trazodone Zombie

Even though it was given to me as a sleep aid, I cannot sleep with it. I toss and turn, then finally head for the couch. So, I didn't take any last night. I'm not gonna take any today and see how it goes, but I do love the way it decreases the ole appetite , so I might just take it in the morning. Oh yeah, I've increased my Pristiq to 100mg. I was going to play basketball today, but it rained, but I actually got up and outside before noon. Woo hoo!

Trazodone

Interesting. I've cut my dose in half. Now I take 25mg. It makes me really sleepy in the morning, but I bought some soda. I'm still taking it, though 'cuz it decreases my appetite (awesome). Oddly, it increases my libido, too, which makes Hubby happy, but whatever. I'm just glad I'm not eating everything in sight. Oh, and I haven't been "borderline" for a long time (a good week). I've cut down stressors-not going to bible study and subbing at the schools. I think this has helped. Since we're in the process of getting our house, we had the inspection last Friday, we've beeen really busy doing house stuff. I think decreasing the extra stressors was a really good idea (thanks M), since buying a house can be very overwhelming. I see my pdoc Tuesday and am going to talk to her about increasing my Pristiq. My summer depression aka reverse S.A.D. is kicking in and I want to do stuff like plant a garden and play basketball this summer, dammit! Peace Out.

Merry Christmas!

so, just got back from the third , of our four Christmas parties. I"m quite surprised I haven't gone borderline. I'm keeping pretty calm. I get an assesment to see my old pdoc that moved to a different place in January. NOt preggo yet. Older sister is trying for a third(so annoying) Gonna try subbing after New Years again, along with my job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finances have been freakin my out, but got some Christmas money from family. Thank God. I'm really upset about my weight. I'm getting like this freakin pouch thing. Ugg. Has pristiq caused weight gain for anyojhe else? I"m only on 50 mg.?? I haven't killed my husband yet, then again he's off work 'til Jan. 4th. (for threee weeks)-so there's still time hee hee
I had a few meltdowns before and after the inlaws came over for supper, but my monthly finnally started and that has helped (gross, I know, but just saying how it is) Fingers crossed. Peace.

Brrrr!

It's starting to get really cold. We;re supposed to get two inches of snow tonight. My car is in the shop, so it's frustrating. I saw my new pdoc yesterday and I'm glad 'cuz it went very well. I'm gonna try Topomax to loose some of this stubborn weight. I'm still eating well and going to the gym, but sometimes being on psych meds makes it harder. I start tutoring tom, I'm excited. I'm glad it's December. I've been really busy lately, hence, not posting, but I like being busy (without being too over whelmed) and I finally got my um, well my AF came. Peace.

"So , I don't need a doctor's note to get pregnant?"...

Ha! My husband and I were very relieved and happy yesterday. We saw a non-biased specialist in the baby and psych med field. He was awesome. He told us the actual risks of having a baby on klonopin and wasn't an ass. He was very sensitive and professional. Yeah! (Just what we needed) He told us to definately find another obgyn, one we were comfortable with and could talk to...so we will.

Update on changes

I saw my new therapist yesterday. I really like her because I can tell she's really good with borderlines. I know she'll hold me accountable if I start to get dramatic or manipulative. The past therapists I've been seeing, I've kinda been able to walk all over them, but I know I need someone to keep me in line and call me out on things. It really helps me (although I don;'t always want to hear it as first) to become a healthier, happier borderline.
And my new pdoc? I've been calling tons of places, but they either aren't taking new patients or I have to see their therapists to get in. I was running out of people on the list they gave me, and finally called the pdoc I had when I was first getting help(I was around 14 years old) It's funny 'cause he was really old when I was a teenager and has to be pushing 80, but he'll have to do (and I always liked him, anyway). I also need to see someone soon to be able to decrease my klonopin in a healthy way since we're trying for a baby.
Baby update: I've been seeing a doctor who does Neurolink and he is helping me to straight out my hormones so I can conceive one of these days.
That's all for now.

saw pdoc

increasing my prozac to 80mg. and have to have bloodtest to see if any of the meds are actually getting in my blood, instead of going straight to my liver. See her again next month

Went crazy

so, I was just fine and dandy decreqasing my Seroqual right? NOpe! Friday night (my fourth day on just 100mg), my OCD came back full throttle, anxiety went through the roof, basically I felt like I was losing my mind.
So, now I'm back to 200 mg-sleepier, but I'm ok. Damn, that was scary.

Well,

I guess i;m doing pretty good. I've been able to go down to 150mg of Seroqual and I've been able to go to sleep alright. We bought an ovultaion kit last night and having lots of baby talk. I survived the holidays. The kidddies go back to school on Tues, so I'll have some jobs and I start my college class on the twelth.

I'm going to try to

stay away from my tiggers aka my batshit crazy family. I decided to go back down on my Serouaual to 200, but try really hard to work on my coping skills and just kickin it with Hubby and myslef. I don't need the stress of my mom right now or my dad bitchin about my mom or my sister bitchin about my dad or my other sister just bitchin. I can't be on such low dose of Serouqual if I'm gonna be around that. Whew@ I'm kind of scared becasue Hubby will be signing up for unemployment Mon. He works for a company that makes car parts. They are gonna shut down the plant, but don't know how long. That's all for now.

Changes

Well, I was going to go down to 150 mg of Seroqual yesterday, but I've started to feel really bad. I go into stores and seee all the Christmas crap and want to throw up. Plus, my granpa is going downhill and that is reallly woorying/stressing me, so I decided to go back up to 250mg. I feeel a lot calmer today and more like myself. My stomache isnt in a knot and I don't feel sick. Oh yeh, my pdoc is going to give me a prescription for a light box. Yeah!

I"m ready

for Christmas. With the help of Hubby, we have all of our goodies baked and presents bought and wrappped. Go us! And I only came away with one blister from burning myself making peanut brittle. He will be off work for two and a half weeks, and so will I since the kids will be on Christmas break, so we are planning to go to the gym a lot, maybe go on a short trip, and watch a lot of movies. I'm doing really well on my decrease of Seroqual. I see the pdoc Monday and might be able to decrease it to 150 mg. That's all for now.