Facebook chat is...

totally awesome! Since I'm introverted yet want to talk, I looooove it! So happy for technology! Still trying to find more work. Still trying to keep my spririts up and always workin on my recovery!

I used to...

have a pretend life with an imaginary persona, well many different imaginary personas. That's how I dealt with my selective mutism. The kids in class would talk and goof off, while I pretended to be anywhere but there, and anyone but myself, for that sake. Now, I take medication. I don't have imaginary personas these days. I just try to deal with talking in public and making friends. It can be hard and it was kinda fun to have imaginary personas, but that wasn't reality and I want reality no matter how crappy it is.

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

soo...

I'm trying to not freak out about finances. I went to the gym twice this week and made it to work for the third week in a row(something I'm very proud of) I am having the in laws and parents over Saturday and hope I survive. My car is broken again! I can't friggin believe it. Our toilet is broken too. The maintenance guy came to fix it and left to get a part for it, but hasn't come back yet ...Breathe... My selective mutism really took over at bible study last night. I hate groups of people, but hubby likes them. ugg. I need to numb my face for two hours with EMLA for electrolis soon, so that maintenace man better hurry back. I'm pissy, 'cause I think I'm getting my period, so people will just have to deal with it or something. Thank god I have the gym to work out all my anxiety.

a joke I just made up

Random person: "so, what's your deal?"

Me: "yeah, I have selective mutism."

Random person: "So, what's that like?"

Me: "I don't wanna talk about it."

She's Given Up Talking by: Paul Mc Cartney ( asong about selective mutism)

Aww

"I would like to be an eagle because they are big, strong and they can soar"(former sm daughter's quote).

Found this on a SM forum

Check it out!

By: Paul McCartney

This defined me to a "T" in gradeschool. I"m glad that somone finallly wrote a song about selective mutism.

Check out the lyrics to "She's Given Up Talking" from his 2001 album Driving Rain:

Don't say a word
Even in the classroom
Not a dickie bird
Unlike other children
She's seen and never heard
She's given up talking
Don't say a word

You see her in the playground
Standing on her own
Everybody wonders
Why she's all alone
Someone made her angry
Someone's got her scared
She's given up talking
Don't say a word

Ah but when she comes home
It's yap-a-yap-yap
Words are running freely
Like the water from a tap
Her brothers and her sisters
Can't get a word in edgeways
But when she's back at school again
She goes into a daze

Ah but when she comes home
It's yap-a-yap-yap
Words are running freely
Like the water from a tap
Her brothers and her sisters
Can't get a word in edgeways
But when she's back at school again
She goes into a daze

She's given up talking
Don't say a word
Even in the classroom
Not a dickie bird
Unlike other children
She's seen and never heard
She's given up talking
Don't say a word

She's given up talking
She don't say a word

Wow!

I may have been living under a rock for the past few years. I've been web surfing and am just amazed by how many blogs there are on BPD and Selective Mutisim. And so many people speak from there hearts-it's great and reassures me that I'm not in this thing alone!
I have been sick the last three days with some sort of cold and have cabin fever like nobody's business. I went to the doctor yesterday and got tons of antibiotics plus a painful shot. Right now, the main problem is my nose is running like a faucet, but at least I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday. I was so miserable , I hoped somone would shoot me. It was baaaad. I need to get out of the house today. I might bring along two boxes of kleenex, but I have to get out of this house.