Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

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