My bad

Yep, it's completely my fault-the reason i feel like crap. I chose to not get up out of bed today. I was the one who chose to go back to sleep after I was up after two hours and go back to sleep 'til 7:45pm. Yep.

No wonder...

worried hubby will die in his sleep, stressed, depressed: all because I forgot to take my morning meds. Great. How will I ever make it?

I feel so empty.

I had been taking ritalin to keep me awake, but coming off of it was too much for me. I'd feel really shaky and anxious. I didn't work today. I feel so empty, so worthless, and so alone. I don't know what to do.

Feeling Down...

Is summer over yet? God, it's soo friggin hot! I feel shitty and I have little motivation. I make myself walk in the morning before work, but that's about it ( I only work 7 hours a week). ugghhh

Haven't blogged for a bit...

So, here goes: I'm still struggling with my mood (mostly the depression). HOwever, since my med increase, the self harm thoughts and the paranoia are practically gone. I"m just trying to make it through the summer. I'm trying to not be too hard on myself-just be happy that I can make it to work , then go home and nap.
I know when fall gets here, I'll be feeling much better. I might try working more this fall, too(something I've been really thinking about).
Anywho, that's about it.

Update

I've had to up my Seroqual to 300 mg (the highest dose I take.) I'm pretty sure things are bad because of the summer weather. My ocd has been driving me mad, I've been extra sensitive and paranoid. Self harm thoughts have been so strong lately, also. Last night, I was checking out stuff about selective mutism and bam- bpd trigger (ugh). The Hubs practically forced me to increase it (the Seroqual)last night, so I feel a little better today.
I'm making myself walk every day before work and I've started eating healthier. I know this will also make me feel better.
Our AC is on the fritz so that's been on my mind. Plus the guy that looked at it was super creepy. The Hubs will be there next time he fixes the part(thank God).

Oh, and I luuuv my online bpd class.

Glee For Math Nerds (really funny)

Problems with Identity

Well, I've been struggling a little lately and it's late and I don't have to go to work tom., so I'm up and blogging. Tami Green is a dbt life coach and in one of her videos, she talks about the bpd criteria of problems with identity. She started to find out who she was by first compiling a simple list of her likes and dislikes. For example, she started out slowly by writing down that she liked the color "green." So, she became "someone who likes the color, 'green." Well, I don't like green. In fact, my favorite color is blue.
Since I have been struggling, I've decided to compose a list of likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc, to help me out and quite frankly pass some time (boredom is a big trigger).

Here goes:

likes:
Hello Kitty
shades of blue (from sky blue to a dark blue)
the singer, Pink
singing
dancing
speaking with various accents
making people laugh
the fall
painting my nails

dislikes:
hot weather
racist people
large, Catholic weddings
pushy people

accomplishments:
getting my driver's license
not having to go to day treatment anymore
graduating from college
I sold cutlery for a week.
I 've been a sub teacher's aide.
I've been a home care aide.
I had my own tutoring program.
I volunteered at a pet shelter.
I married the man of my dreams (and am still happily married).
We are out of debt.
I stood up to a therapist when I knew in my heart I was right.
I stood up to my boss when he was inappropriate.
I make jewelry.
I have a blog.

That's all for now. What are your "likes?"

More memes off of BPD in OKC blog

What do you feel unworthy of?
success

Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person?
something for humanity-I want to be famous

Which do you value more: science or intuition?
don't care

Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first?
The hubs-I know he really loves me.

Does the universe revolve around human beings?
of course it does

Do you wish you were still a virgin?
No , I'm married.

Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?
my sister!

What is your favorite song from the 90's?
so many-anything by the Cranberries or TLC

If you were in alphabet soup , what letter would you be?
L

Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc?
ghosts-I used to but not really anymore
angels-yes!

What makes you want to be someone's friend?
They like me back and are a good person

Do you troll around the internet harassing people anonymously for fun?
no

Have you ever seen the movie A Man wHo Fell To Earth?
no, is it good?

What is your favorite line from a movie?
"all girls are princesses-they all are , even if they live in tiny old attics and wear rags"-The Little Princess

What's your favorite video game?
Webkinz

Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours?
no

What is one phrase people say that irritates you?
"That's sooo funny." -If it's so funny, why aren't you laughing? ugh

You allow strangers to read your blog, but would you allow your parents to read it?
No, I vent about my mom on here

Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?
bath

Are you allergic to anything?
Zoloft

What is your favorite Terminator movie?
The very first one

What is your favorite fast food?
crab rangoon, if that counts

What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?
Tell me I'm a horrible person and that they never want to see me again

Would (or have) you ever whipped someone or been whipped by someone in bed?
eye roll here

Have you ever said "I hate everyone" and really meant it literally?
yes, but never meant it

Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?
security

Have you ever one a carnival fish?
no

What's the best sounding accent a person can have?
any unAmerican- I love them all! I hate southern accents, though

What's the most boring thing you've ever read?
can't remember

Do you prefer buttons or touch screens?
buttons

Do you think there is a lot of similarity between Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series?
I just song the Rings movies, so I don't know

Would you consider yourself to be naive?
no

Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?
the one I am no longer friends with

What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?
a $20

Would you ever wear real fur?
honestly, I don't think I will ever have the money to buy any

Arachnophobia or Eight-Legged Freaks?
what?

What are your feeling about police officers?
two things: I get paranoid when one is behind me and I'm driving, they are arrogant

What is your favorite line from a song?
What do I know of you-who spoke me into motion, Where do I even stand , but the shore upon your ocean-Addison Road

Is fifty dollars a lot of money?
yes, but when I pay bills, it doesn't seem like it

Do you like the band Front 242?
never heard of them

Would you rather have fame, money, or self -satisfaction?
Self satisfaction, then I would probably go somewhere and do something big!

What's your middle name?
Ann

What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?
good one, fart in public-on camera

Are you good, evil , or neutral?
I am good, but sometimes I do not so nice things

Should ebonics be considered a language?
hmm, yes, that would be fun!

What color is your bedroom? What color would you like it to be?
yellow, tan so it would match about anything

When are you planning to move to a new home?
after we rent again, save up money, and decide where to live lol

If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?
maybe seven hundred dollars

Do you blow your nose in public?
yes, even into napkins and I don't care

Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?
no I want to find my own way

What is the coolest web site you know of?
Post Secret-it's such a neat idea

Which cartoon strip would you like to see turned into a movie?
maybe Cathy idk

Of the following, which work best describes you: enthusiastic, fair minded, generous, helpful?
fair minded

What would make a new Crayola color?
period red lol

If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does it cast doubt over its significance?
umm, maybe

If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?
Pink (also)

Who is the greatest philosopher of your country?
idk

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
to the rich

Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?
no, unfortunately not, happiness comes from within when you are a grownup, and I am struggling with that a bit

Who knows more... you, or your parents?
I don't want to talk about then now thanks.

What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?
acoustic guitar

Children fill their lungs completeluy with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change?
We are more cautious

Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?
no

Are you completely in control of your body? Are you completely in control of your mind?
No, but we are taught we are Yes, but we are taught we aren't

Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittery boquet or flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway?
hanndpicked, of course, anyone can buy flowers

Do you know yourself weel enough to understand why you feel the way you do?
no, but I'm working on it

Which do you do more often: let movies, books, and songs, put your feeelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?
by myself

Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?
of course not

What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?
good ones

Does fashion matter to you?
sometimes

Should politicians be held the same legal standards as everyone else?
yes

What do you get in trouble for most?
not being positive

What is your worst daily habit?
idk

If you had your choice wich one TV show would you have cancelled?
Family Guy

Do you like the taste of salt or sweet?
both

Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?
yes

What do you feel the most guilty about?
a lot

Do you meditate?
no, but I should

Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?
I think they are what is going on, consciously and subconsciously

Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?
yes

The thief____ that everyone steals. What verb would you fill the blank with?
hopes

What's the most incredible experience you ever had?
seeing the ocean for the first time

Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?
all the time

Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?
I do it with myself, not with others except the hubs and my mom

What is one thing you can't do?
love myself

Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston?
I never saw any with him, I don't think

Are you gentle?
with others, not with myself, but working on it

When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable?
when I'm crying in public

Are you trying to find yourself?
yes

Where are you looking?
at these questions I had printed off my computer

Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?
yes

What would make you a stronger person?
liking myself more

What book would you like to read to someone soon?
I Hate you-don't leave me: i would like to quote it at a self help group

Trying out memes

this one I saw from BPD in OKC
Here goes:
1. Have you ever been in a situation with a lover where you did not know what tomorrow would bring?
yes, almost all of them
2. What worries you most today?
money
3. Could I tell if you were lying to me?
God yes, I couldn't do it.
4. What do you miss about the 80's?
being an innocent child/having all kinds of hope
5. What's going on that you can't understand?
can't think of anything
6. How would I know if you liked me?
I would ask to be your friend on facebook or e-mail you.
7. If you ever won an award, what would it be for?
something to have to do with school
8. What would we be surprised to know that you've done?
I was a karaoke queen!lol
9. What's the most exotic mixed drink you remember trying? Did you enjoy it?
peach schnapps with Sprite and yes it was yummy

Bad Self Harm Thoughts...

have popped up again. I am stressed out over money. Hubby's car broke down.
It's so weird I feel so bad-fat, ugly, unloved. Why can't I just be normal? My therapist told me last week that there was no such thing as summmer depression. She told me it was all in my head. WTF? I'm trying to get some sun and be a good little girl like she asked, but it's not helping. I hate this.

Lovin my...

online DBT class! I just googled " free online DBT class" about a month ago and just turned in my 3rd assignment. I took DBT when I was 21, but it's been 10 years ago! I'm so glad I found another, plus it's free!
However, I'm kinda sad at how much I've forgotten my coping skills. My self talk and everything has been pretty shitty for such a long time. Anyway, wish me luck!

Isn't having bpd

great? Ugh, why can't I ever validate myself? Why do I always have to look to other people? Why after I finish an accomplishment, it then seems so small, even useless?

BPDs have to "embrace" their pain. So this emptiness I feel, this loneliness, this "I'm not worth shit" this "no one gives a fuck," I have to "embrace" it. So I have to "just feel crappy until I don't feel crappy anymore." OK. I think I can do that. Oh, and breathe. I'll try.

Spring...

has sprung! I'm feeling good and went on a bike ride. There are buds of flowers starting to come up all over the yard. I think this summer will be a lot better than last. I struggle with summer depression, but since this will be our second year at the house, I'm sure it will be smoother. Our tv broke. It's either one thing or another, but I'm getting a lot more used to being a home owner now. We are saving our money for emergencies and paying with cash instead of using the credit card. We have a lot of work ahead of us concerning the yard, but it'll keep us busy, and hopefully I can lose some more weight! Happy wishes!

The emptiness consumes me

BPD sucks when I feel like I have nothing to know and like I'm not worth anything because of it. I've been doing crafts here lately and want to sell them, but don't have the money to really buy a lot of materials, to sell them. I was so bored, last night, I guess I wanted to feel something, anything besides this emptiness, so anyway, I did something I shouldn't have. It wasn't major or harmful, but I felt really guilty and told Hubby about it today. He was hurt, but forgave me. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but i guess it does anyway, since it hurt him. when I read" i hate you -don't leave me," it said that one of the symptoms is "chronic emptiness." I have emptiness, but it's not chronic..,. good thing I've been working on this bpd thing.

not pretty enough(song)

Does anyone else...

have a love/hate relationship with their mom? HOw are other borderlines' relationships with their moms? I'm curious.

I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

For Valentine's Day...

I saw my psychiatrist! It's a stupid holiday , anyway. so much pressure to have a good one, and good sex-sooo dumb.
Anywho, I had an appointment anyway, but a few days before my monthly , I had been getting paraniod, and I thought bad stuff and I usually get scared that the cops are out to get me, so my mom took me. It wasn't too bad. I have to up my Seroqual on those few days, which makes me soooo tired. I thought I was goin to get fired since I was late today for work, but at least I wasn't paranoid. I know I have tons of grammer mispells here , but I don't care and u probably can't understand , but I am doped up a bit. Hope u had a good day.

Facebook chat is...

totally awesome! Since I'm introverted yet want to talk, I looooove it! So happy for technology! Still trying to find more work. Still trying to keep my spririts up and always workin on my recovery!

update

I have been-cleaning, working, crafting, getting financial stuff straightened out with Hubby, taking care of things.
I have seen so many bpd blogs out there where people are really struggling-going in and out of the hospital, cutting, etc.
Listen fellow borderlines, I know taking care of yourself is hard waaay hard, but if I can do it-you can too! I hate the "gray areas", too. Boredom can be really frightening, I know, but I have decided to end my own personal chaos, 'cause I'd rather be living and dealing with life vs. being treated like a mental patient and acting out like a mental patient. There is hope. It's a long road, but YOU CAN DO IT! Love, Steph

Awesome song (may trigger)

Damn it!

The person I worked for at the new job this week doesn't want to work with me. I feel horrible. I want to just give up. We have no money. Life sucks. I hate myself.

Start my...

new job Monday. Wish me luck! Well, not a new new job- I just got another person I do care giver stuff for. I'm really looking forward to it! I was just working two days a week and now I'll be working 4. The hours are great, too.

Put your records on (song)

Happy 2011!