Thursday, September 11, 2008
Let me introduce myself
For those of you who have never read my blog before I erased it-HI. I'm trying to train myself about the rules of happiness. I've been struggling with depression since May, so it's been hard. For example, it doesn't matter what you have or what you do, that will automaticallly make you happy-it's really who you are and how you look at things. That's really difficult to swallow. I compare myself to people with a better house or career, when really-does having those things make them happy? Does it really? It may or may not. I'm thinking of joining the gym and get on a regualr fitness schedule. I'm pissed that all of my hard work in college gave me a degree I can't/don't want to do much with. All that hard work and anxiety-Grrr and Waahh! I think it also didn't help that I didin't celbrate my degree. I should have thrown a party, but my thinking at the time was-I'm a nontradidtional student(why celebrate something so small) Again with the comparing. With having a borderline personality, it's so difficult to stay in the gray area of thinking. Something's usually all awesome or I want to die. After I moved out of my parent's house, I finally found "my happy"-ya know -how you're just chillin and fine with what you're doing. With the summer being so rough and being a newlywed, it's been hard to stay in my happy for a long period of time. I get scared my husband will leave me one day. That also goes along with being borderline-abandonment issues. I was so mad at a friend this summer, actually I was hurt, it's the silliest thing- I wanted to say mean things to make them cry, so they could feel the pain I felt. HOwever, it just got worst, and I just hurt more. Being borderline is really hard to live with most of the time. But, I know there are other fighters out there like me. YOu can do it. And you can be happy. Balance is crucial. I open up comments or questions to anyone fighting their borderline personality disorder. I think helping out each other is therapy in its own. If you want to self harm, go to theER right away. Whether you're doing it to deal or for attention purposes, it's not worth it-it never is. Don't be afraid. Just talk to someone. I know how empty you can feel inside. I know what it's like to want to cut your self just so you can feel somehting besides empytness. I know what it's like to feel all alone. I know what it's like to feel like no one can help you. I know what it's like to feel like a rejected loser. Someone who is so ugly, society should not even be able to stand to be around you. For everyone who needs to cry out, instead of hiding your cuts under your sleeves or locking yourself in your room , or going home with someone at a bar just to feel loved for a moment, comment. My ears are open.Also, my email address is:email@example.com.