Isn't having bpd

great? Ugh, why can't I ever validate myself? Why do I always have to look to other people? Why after I finish an accomplishment, it then seems so small, even useless?

BPDs have to "embrace" their pain. So this emptiness I feel, this loneliness, this "I'm not worth shit" this "no one gives a fuck," I have to "embrace" it. So I have to "just feel crappy until I don't feel crappy anymore." OK. I think I can do that. Oh, and breathe. I'll try.

Spring...

has sprung! I'm feeling good and went on a bike ride. There are buds of flowers starting to come up all over the yard. I think this summer will be a lot better than last. I struggle with summer depression, but since this will be our second year at the house, I'm sure it will be smoother. Our tv broke. It's either one thing or another, but I'm getting a lot more used to being a home owner now. We are saving our money for emergencies and paying with cash instead of using the credit card. We have a lot of work ahead of us concerning the yard, but it'll keep us busy, and hopefully I can lose some more weight! Happy wishes!

The emptiness consumes me

BPD sucks when I feel like I have nothing to know and like I'm not worth anything because of it. I've been doing crafts here lately and want to sell them, but don't have the money to really buy a lot of materials, to sell them. I was so bored, last night, I guess I wanted to feel something, anything besides this emptiness, so anyway, I did something I shouldn't have. It wasn't major or harmful, but I felt really guilty and told Hubby about it today. He was hurt, but forgave me. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but i guess it does anyway, since it hurt him. when I read" i hate you -don't leave me," it said that one of the symptoms is "chronic emptiness." I have emptiness, but it's not chronic..,. good thing I've been working on this bpd thing.

not pretty enough(song)

Does anyone else...

have a love/hate relationship with their mom? HOw are other borderlines' relationships with their moms? I'm curious.

I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

For Valentine's Day...

I saw my psychiatrist! It's a stupid holiday , anyway. so much pressure to have a good one, and good sex-sooo dumb.
Anywho, I had an appointment anyway, but a few days before my monthly , I had been getting paraniod, and I thought bad stuff and I usually get scared that the cops are out to get me, so my mom took me. It wasn't too bad. I have to up my Seroqual on those few days, which makes me soooo tired. I thought I was goin to get fired since I was late today for work, but at least I wasn't paranoid. I know I have tons of grammer mispells here , but I don't care and u probably can't understand , but I am doped up a bit. Hope u had a good day.