What Love Really Means (song)

Happy Christmas!

survived one family party- one more to go!
My sister-in-law had her first baby two days ago, so that's very exciting! I can't believe my brother is going to be a dad! But, he'll be an awesome one, I'm sure!
Stress levels are of course way up, but I'm trying to cope. I think I may be an emotional eater-when things are going bad, I just have at it and don't care what I stuff in my face or the amount. Not good.
Anywho, Happy Holidays, whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs!
Love,
Pigtails

Are emotional cameleons weak?

Whenever I "take on the characteristics of people around me" -which I do all the time, I feel like I have taken a step back in my recovery. Why can't I just be me? Why do I feel pushed around in my friendships?
I guess there are positive things to being a cameleon. I mean, I can imitate any singer or actor, once I hear them. This makes people laugh. But really, who am I? Why do I have to turn into those around me? This doesn't help my low self-esteem problem at all!
Good thing I like music. Below, I have posted a new song by Pink, so raise your glass!

Raise Your Glass

A suicide

Thank you, Wandering Coyote for letting everyone know in the blogosphere that Bruce has passed on. I hope he has found some peace.

Why aren't you there?

My counselour doesn't call me back when I call her ... ever. Four weeks ago, I was raking leaves and accidentlyt caught the yard on fire. It almost reached the neighbors' house. Needless to say, I was a little shooken up. My bpd kicked in a thought I needed to be punished for messing up. I saw her yesterday and askded why she didn't call me back. She said that I had sounded a little muffled on the phone, but this woman knows my damn number. Is she just being a lousy ass counselour or what? This happened four friggin weeks ago. I need a support system, and I sure pay enough to see her, why can't I get the support? It really pissed me off.

I used to...

have a pretend life with an imaginary persona, well many different imaginary personas. That's how I dealt with my selective mutism. The kids in class would talk and goof off, while I pretended to be anywhere but there, and anyone but myself, for that sake. Now, I take medication. I don't have imaginary personas these days. I just try to deal with talking in public and making friends. It can be hard and it was kinda fun to have imaginary personas, but that wasn't reality and I want reality no matter how crappy it is.

Well...

I made it through both of our family thanksgiving parties. I decided yesterday that I better start taking a half of klonopin in the afternoon to deal with my stress and worry. Hubby has been off of work for vacation time this past week and he starts back tom. We've kinda been making friends with this couple at church, Idk, saying "hi" and catching up and stuff. I'm so terrified of having new relationships. I think I have problems with boundaries. I know I have abandonment and intimacy issues. Ugh.. I hope I get another job soon.

So fellow borderlines...

are you hyper sensitive, too? any thoughts?

Time

My therapist says I have way too much free time on my hands and becasue of this, I worry and think too much, basically making myself miserable with my bad thoughts. But what can I do, really? We are in a bit of financial trouble (never buy I bloody house ever!) Car parts are breaking, the cat is getting sick. I want to go to the gym, but that costs money. We cannont afford cable. I have the internet, the cat, my pt job, and church. That's all folks! Everything costs money, seems like. It snowed yesterday. Too much time. I had a job interview and am waiting to hear back. It gets dark at 5pm. I asked Hubby if one could literally be bored to death. I guess I should just sit back and wait ((shudder))I am fat I am fat I am fat.

Anti-depressents and...

no libido? Anyone? Grrr.

Trigger from the past

I saw someone who had helped torment me in school. And I think she lives in our neighborhood. And the sadness came back, and the fear, and the anger. I saw her mother today. I don't know what to think or do. I know the past is the past, but the trauma of my childhood is why I have bPd in the first place. Any Help?

Jar of Hearts

Do something.

So, my counselor strongly suggested I do volunteer work while trying to find another pt job. So, Friday I am going to take an elderly woman to a dr. appnt. through an agency here. I think it was interesting that my counselor told me I needed to do something with my time and NOT just working around the house, but she said I had to do something fulfilling like help people. I agreed. This overwhelming feeling of "there is nothing" has been haunting me since summer. Wish me luck.

'Tis Fall!

Tree In Front Yard

2nd and 3rd Creations

Kitchen Angel
Ellie the Towel Elephant

Taa Daa- Dog Days: My First Creation

New Ribbon pics...

This should keep me busy...

I've been feeling horribly down lately. (Hormonal, maybe?) So, I've decided to get crafty. I saw some stuff on youtube about towel animals and such, so I might give it a go. If it goes well, I might make up a website to sell them, or else give them out as Christmas gifts.

Stand UP for mental illness

Updates and such

I haven't blogged for a while. I know. I just put some youtube stuff up, not really writing about my thoughts. August was a tough month for me and Hubby. Something big happened (little too personal to blog about), but fortunately in has only made our marriage stronger. I hadn't wanted to really blog because of it and all the feelings this thing that happened made me feel.
However, we went to the baby doctor Wednesday, a new one (my old one moved); they have different methods, and he ran some tests. I had a sonogram and a vaginal sonogram done. One of my ovaries has PCOS and that fallopian tube is blocked. This coming Wednesday, I go to the hospital for an outpatient HSG procedure. They are also going to try to unblock the fallopian tube with a catheter. I'm scared 'cause I heard it could be painful, but I would give my right arm for a baby, so I'm gonna have to grin and bear it. From there, I don't know what we'll do. We could have to do IVF treatments. But I'll find out Wednesday.
I saw my pdoc the week before last and got a script for Remeron. This stuff made me have horrible dreams. I told the nurse and got back on Pristiq, but 50mg instead of 100mg. I have also decreased my Seroqual down to 200. I've been going outside more and have been able to enjoy the house more. I'm sure it's the change in weather.
I feel a lot better about the baby thing. The other doctor just gave me Clomid, so I hope I get pregnant one of these days. Since I've also been feeling better mentally, i've been looking for another little part time job to add on. I may go back to subbing , but am going to pray about it. Peace.

more musica

how he loves us

Sad

I have a smiley face!!!!

I was thinking of calling some family members and telling them about the news of my ovulation, but then thought it would be weird. (ya think? ha ha) So, why not blog it, eh? After a week or so of having a plain circle after peeing on the ovulation detector stick, I have a smiley face, yes! I'm so happy the first round of Clomid worked, now the hard, err fun part, err lol.
I got a call from the lady that I was supposed to have the nanny interview with today and she checked into daycare rates, so she's having second thoughts about hiring someone in their home. Daycare is only 27 dollars a day. I am asking for fifty. I hope she reconsiders, but she'll talk with her husband about it and call me back in a few days. But, I have a smiley face finally, and that rocks!

Goals.

Goals have always been important to me and my mental health. I've decided to make a few. For example, Before I start to review a new lesson in my class course, I am going to write in my planner when I will have my quiz for that lesson each week. I am also looking for a pt job besides my homecare job. I plan to rock my nanny interview tom. 'cause it's perfect, but If I don't get it, I will keep on looking for something else that will be good for me (one on one care, low stress, etc.) Hubby and I also plan to start walking and biking this fall. I also need to play more with Ribbon. I'm so glad summer is almost over. I hope we start to have cooler weather.

Paranormal Cativity

Good Stuff

I just did my first quiz and got an A!!! I also have a job interview Monday for a pt Nanny. All good.

so anyway...

I have enrolled in this medical transcription program thingy. I am quite excited about it. Even though I may not get a job as a medical transcription person down the road, I do enjoy learning and reading books.
I have been having severe bouts of depression , but have decided to NOT commit suicide. It's my husband that keeps me going. Yes, I do love him that much. I try to keep busy with work and with different new things on my plate. The despair that comes over me is so powerful though. I hope I am more powerful than it is.
I am currently peeing on a stick once a day. Not the pregnancy stick, but the ovulation stick. That's where forty-five of our dollars have gone. (Thank you, Wal-Mart). Come on Clomid, work for me now!
The baptism went okay. I wish our couple friends had been there, but they do have three kids. I do not feel any different or more "godly" I believe I'm as godly as I've always been. Not more. Not less. Then again, I gave my heart to God, nine years ago in a state mental hospital.
So anyway, this is my latest update.

so much anxiety!

I am stuggling with a huge case of anxiety and nerves right now. I think I can pinpoint some of it to having to deal with some certain people again. I hope that is all it is. I hope this clomid isn't making me completely crazy.

It's HOt!

It's waay hot! Also, my Prisiq makes me super hot and sensitive to the sun anyway, so yeah, I feel like I am having hot flashes. I start Clomid tom. and hope I only have to take one dose (a la preggors). On another note, I am getting baptized next week.

I wish

I had anorexia bulimia so people would actually want to sleep with me and I could pull off lingerie.

Will opt to blog instead of cutting

I am like a pale, oompa loompa ontop of my husband during sex. HOw the fuck did I get so god damn fat? I was so horribly feeling alone today that I opted to have dinner with my parents. My mom is so stuck up and judgmenetal , I can't stand the sound of her voice, but yes, that was how goddamn lonely I was.
I hate our house. We went from a bigger town to a town of like 1200 people. Everyone knows everyone else and their business. They won't help me one fucking bit while I am struggling to mow the yard. It's like sorry we don't drink and aren'[t Cathoilidc and don't sleep with our neighbors , but can I please have a fucking hand? They all mock me on their retarded riding mowers. I hate this goddamn red neck small fuck up the ass place so goddamn mkuch and our kids, ya know if a fucking miracle happens and we actually concieve that is, will hate this place and hate us for buying this fucking house.
i can't put shit on a goddamn resume to get a job I am proud of. My self esteem is like one thousand below a goddamn porta potty in Haiti. I have this pain in my stomache and my doctor, his nurses, the doctor's assistant and the secretary are all fucking idiots. I don't know anything I am dumb as fuck and pathetic. Fuck , I can't even get the goddamn neighbor boy to mow our yard.

The Dad Life rap (awesome)!

Dear fill in the blank,

Since you can't even take care of yourself, stop fucking having children already. YOU are an idiot and I hate you.

Must blog

or I will lose my mind. Talk about stress! Our basement flooded a few days ago and we have been taking up the carpet and carpet pad. To do that, we had to take off the wood panels on one wall, destroying it. PLus, Hubby leaves for work on Saturday for Germany and I just want to die. It's so overwhelming. We've only been at this house for three months and this happens. I cry about it. Then, I get borderline and get all bitchy. This sucks.

Nieceypoo "fishing"

Remora fish and bpd

I was talking to my good friend recently. She was struggling with hearing voices and I was struggling with anxiety at the same time. While hospitalized, they had to pin her down to give her a shot. She laughed and said the fight she put up was " a little borderline." I was like, "ya think." I told her I was struggling with anxiety and said my bpd popped up with it, too, making Hubby's life a living hell. It's like whatever, you are dealing with , bpd is like remora fish, those fish that are on sharks, along for the ride. What do u think?

Feeling better

I think my Serotonin levels are back up (thank God) I feel so much better. I'm less anxious and less worried. Sure, when I took a three hour nap, I had drooled in my sleep, but this med increase is worth it. Ugg!

Med increase and trip to the city

Pdoc has increase Seroqual from 200 to 300. I hope this will help. She can't go any higher on the Pristiq and doesn't want to jack with the klonopin. To release stress, Hubby and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We went to six Flags, Union Station and the science center. Here's some pics.

I wish

I had gotten a bachelor's degree

I wish

I had a real job.

I wish

I was skinny again.

that's about right

So summer depression sucks, but Hubby is sick, so I am stepping up and taking care of him and working on my friend's bridal shower. and doing laundry, that is until I start bawling again (haha).

Tee hee!

Update

Enjoying ribbon and her company , but can feel my summer depression creeping in. I just have to make myself do things, keep seeing my counselour weekly and get outside more I guess. We're actually making couple friends and I'm excited about that. Also, my niece has tee ball games on Wednesday. I'm planning on painting our bedroom this summer, too. It has this creepy old lady wallpaper on it and HAS to be removed soon. haha. Lots of flowers are blooming around the house. It's a nice surprise. It keeeps raining, though, and I need to mow the yard soooo bad. Becasue of the rain, our driveway has flooded several times, so Hubby and I are going to dig a ditch and put in some pipe. Wish us luck!

Pic of Ribbon

Ribbon is finally home!

We got the cat today. First she had to get surgery because there was a crystal in her urine. So, I had to wait. Then when I went to pick her up yesterday, right before I put her in her kitty carrier, I noticed that she had taken out her stitches, so I had to rush to the vet and wait until today. Because of the stitches incident, she is wearing "the cone of shame", which she hates, but she gets the stitches out in ten days or so. She is a very good cat and very loving. I think she will do wonders for my mood and boredom. I hope Hubby is glad we got a cat. He said he is, but I still wonder. I tried to upload a pic of her on my camera phone to my computer, but it didn't work , so pics are to come. Wish me and Ribbon luck. :)

Kesha on The Simpsons!

guess What!

we are getting a cat from the Humane Society named "Ribbon." I'm very excited.

Thanks, sis!

LIsten to the chillout song

here.

Can borderlines become foster parents?

Hubby and I have been talking a long time about becoming foster parents. I have my doubts if "they" will let me , though. I called the local adoption/foster place today. The lady wasn't in , but I left amessage for her to call me. It's been about a year and a half of us trying to get pregnant and I'm so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. At the get together, I rocked and read to niecey poo #2 and it fel tso right. Humph.

Well...

I survived my birthday. I am now thirty. I was pretty depressed about it, so I decided to "embrace it." We had ribs and cake and I finally cleaned the rest of the house. Next Saturday, we are having our very first party/ get together thingy. Hubby mowed part of the yard so I need to mow the rest of it today. I'm just really glad that the entire house has been cleaned for the first time since we've been here. It's kinda stressful having about twenty people over, but I'm going to try not to freak over it. Wish me luck.

so...

I mowed our lawn today! While trying to get the motor started, I busted and bruised my finger. When I was almost done mowing, I fell into a sewer ditch. Whatever was in there (don't wanna think about it) was so thick that I needed help getting pulled out. Did I mention that last week I was toting five laundry baskets downstairs and fell down the steps! My tailbone is still sore. I love the house, but man we have a huge yard and the laundry is downstairs.
I made this stupid promise to Hubby that if we ever got a house, I would mow the yard. I looked at riding mowers and they cost more than my car, so I will need to toughen up, and make more than one trip with those stupid laundry baskets! Ha ha!

In order to lose weight...

buy a house! Ha! I lost ten pounds since we've been in the new house! I think it has to do with the moving and cleaning and just having a larger living area. I have to go downstairs and into the garage to do laundry and we don't have a t.v. on the first floor. I've become such a couch potato at the apartment. Plus, we have so much more responsiblities. Good move, pigtails, good move. I have yet to buy a lawnmower, but Hubby wants to be in on the purchase and the mowing will help my chubby tummy, too.

In the new house

Love :
the deck, the view of horses from my office window, the garage

But, the last owners left it so filthy and Hubby has had to fix tons of things that could have been really easy fixes for the last owners.

The last three days have been so busy and stressfful, but things are finally calming down. We're going bike riding tonight in our new neighborhood and I"m actually glad I will be doing laundry, just so it can start feeling like home. I may post pics soon. Til then...

Going to...

move computer to the new house! Will see ya soon!

Remember?

People actually follow my blog!

Am I slow or what? I just clicked on the "followers" part of my blog and found out I have three followers! It's very exciting! I just thought WC was the only person besides sis #2 who was reading my blog. I better put more effort into this sucker and write a bit every day or so. Oh, we have only ten, yes ten more days before we move into the new house. We still have so much stuff to pack. I can't believe we have so much junk in out little apartment!
I guess the increase in Prisitiq and adding of the Trazodone is working. I haven't felt real horrible in about a week.

Stuff we will have in the new house that we've never had at the apartment:

a yard (have to mow it)

a double garage (sweet!)

no railroad track next to us (yes!)

a patio/deck thingy

a fireplace (place to hang stockings-check)

trash pickup (instead of a communal dumpster)

neighbors that we can actually be friends with

a mailbox

1.5 bathrooms

an extra bedroom

Trazodone Zombie

Even though it was given to me as a sleep aid, I cannot sleep with it. I toss and turn, then finally head for the couch. So, I didn't take any last night. I'm not gonna take any today and see how it goes, but I do love the way it decreases the ole appetite , so I might just take it in the morning. Oh yeah, I've increased my Pristiq to 100mg. I was going to play basketball today, but it rained, but I actually got up and outside before noon. Woo hoo!

Trazodone

Interesting. I've cut my dose in half. Now I take 25mg. It makes me really sleepy in the morning, but I bought some soda. I'm still taking it, though 'cuz it decreases my appetite (awesome). Oddly, it increases my libido, too, which makes Hubby happy, but whatever. I'm just glad I'm not eating everything in sight. Oh, and I haven't been "borderline" for a long time (a good week). I've cut down stressors-not going to bible study and subbing at the schools. I think this has helped. Since we're in the process of getting our house, we had the inspection last Friday, we've beeen really busy doing house stuff. I think decreasing the extra stressors was a really good idea (thanks M), since buying a house can be very overwhelming. I see my pdoc Tuesday and am going to talk to her about increasing my Pristiq. My summer depression aka reverse S.A.D. is kicking in and I want to do stuff like plant a garden and play basketball this summer, dammit! Peace Out.

I haz a happee?

I feel so much better and I think it's becasue i've just endured a week away from my enabling mother, henceforth-giving me my self esteem, courage, self motivation, and empowerment back! It's been a while since I've felt this good and the horrible week I've had of trying to deal without her has soooo been worth it. I can do things by myself. I can do things for myself. I can.

We Haz house

but unsettling, worried nerves from it.
had to go to the E.r yesterday to get an atavan and a prescription for Trazadone. My stomache has been killing me. I hate change and i guess my body has responded.

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

Time to finally grow up?

With having BPD, acting, or rather reacting to situations like a 6-year old comes so naturally. Throwing fits, freaking out when stress comes your way, shutting down when something bad happens- all part of it, but does it have to be? I hope not.
I've tried journaling, planning my day, etc. I just haven't "found my happy" or had some peace for a long period of time for the last two years. And no one wants to be admitted to the psych ward just to have the leading psychiatrist tell you to stop acting like a child. So, what to do? I think the journey begins with finding yourself. Who you really are, what you really like, what you are really all about. I have been so happy and calm and self loving before for long periods of time, but how did I get there? Hmmm. Somewhere I picked up some self esteem and self pride-by actually doing things for myself and by myself. I didn't let others enable me, even though I could've easily let them and I stepped up to the plate, even though I was terrified or just too tired, it is so much easier just to go back to bed in the morning when you turn off the alarm clock-Am I rignt? Also, I worked on my identity issues (another toughie) Instead of just "doing hobbies" or "working on crafts", I tried new things, even though I could easily mess it up. I checked out new stuff, new people and it was Awesome!
So...I guess I need to renew my knowledge on the subject of living a great life with BPD and well, grow up. I mean, I do turn 30 in a few months. I think it's time!

Cure for bpd: exhaustion!

at least for a little while! I have increased my work schedule since we are getting a house, and it's been great for my self esteem, depression , and BPD. I am also moving to a different town and very excited to start a new chapter in my life. I will have a yard, a two car garage and a basketball hoop in the driveway. Rock on!

update

got my period, so the two weeks of horror are finally over! And we are house hunting! It's very exciting and I am finally feeling better!

I just want

to be happy for more than a half hour at a time. I know if that I go into the hospital, The pdoc will say to make a list of things to do or get more work at my job. If it was that easy, well, it's not. I hate having BPD-the chronic emptyness, the rages, the self hate. I feel so alone and bored and pointless. Make this go away.

Okay,

so, my OCD has gotten really really bad the last week and a half. It's about to drive me nutso. I go in and out of really low moods, I don't know If I'm being borderline or what. I'll just lay in bed and eat really unhealthy junk and feel absoluteyl hopeless. I have a bridal shower to put together and I'm excited about it, but it's not 'til August. I don't want to get up to go to work or even wash my hair. I'm going to call my counselour tom and my pdoc. My OCD ticks are the worst, especially in public. I don't know what to do.

Congrats Brenda

on your engagement!!!

Now I remmeber

why I quite subbing at schools-women are gossipying caddy bitches. OMG. This is my second day back and the longer the day went on , the longer those people said mean things about their so called "friends." Kill me now. I hope I can continue doing this without bitch slapping a colleague.

funny stuff

My family

IS FUCKING CRAZY!!!

update

it is cold and has snowed a couple inches. My boss said tonot come into work today 'cuz the roads are bad and the kids don't have school today. 'tom I go to have an assessment with the new ploace to see my old pdoc. It's a long drive and I hope the interstate is more cleared off. Anyway, I'm stuck inside, but I'm keeping myself busy-playing on the computer, cleaning, etc. I'm so happy I'm much calmer and happier than I've been in a olong while. I've really been working on things, especially my bpd-the finding your identity part, being happpy, etc. Yeah!

Thanks B.B. for the craft gift!

made by me on Girlsense.com

Best New's Years Eve Ever!

contained:
1 pizza
1 pepsi
lots of energy
1 younger sister

did:
played on Girlsense.com for hours and had a blast

was:
Awesome!!!

regrets of evening: went to bed too late, so had restless leg syndrome(sucks)