Anti-depressents and...

no libido? Anyone? Grrr.

Updates and such

I haven't blogged for a while. I know. I just put some youtube stuff up, not really writing about my thoughts. August was a tough month for me and Hubby. Something big happened (little too personal to blog about), but fortunately in has only made our marriage stronger. I hadn't wanted to really blog because of it and all the feelings this thing that happened made me feel.
However, we went to the baby doctor Wednesday, a new one (my old one moved); they have different methods, and he ran some tests. I had a sonogram and a vaginal sonogram done. One of my ovaries has PCOS and that fallopian tube is blocked. This coming Wednesday, I go to the hospital for an outpatient HSG procedure. They are also going to try to unblock the fallopian tube with a catheter. I'm scared 'cause I heard it could be painful, but I would give my right arm for a baby, so I'm gonna have to grin and bear it. From there, I don't know what we'll do. We could have to do IVF treatments. But I'll find out Wednesday.
I saw my pdoc the week before last and got a script for Remeron. This stuff made me have horrible dreams. I told the nurse and got back on Pristiq, but 50mg instead of 100mg. I have also decreased my Seroqual down to 200. I've been going outside more and have been able to enjoy the house more. I'm sure it's the change in weather.
I feel a lot better about the baby thing. The other doctor just gave me Clomid, so I hope I get pregnant one of these days. Since I've also been feeling better mentally, i've been looking for another little part time job to add on. I may go back to subbing , but am going to pray about it. Peace.

I have a smiley face!!!!

I was thinking of calling some family members and telling them about the news of my ovulation, but then thought it would be weird. (ya think? ha ha) So, why not blog it, eh? After a week or so of having a plain circle after peeing on the ovulation detector stick, I have a smiley face, yes! I'm so happy the first round of Clomid worked, now the hard, err fun part, err lol.
I got a call from the lady that I was supposed to have the nanny interview with today and she checked into daycare rates, so she's having second thoughts about hiring someone in their home. Daycare is only 27 dollars a day. I am asking for fifty. I hope she reconsiders, but she'll talk with her husband about it and call me back in a few days. But, I have a smiley face finally, and that rocks!

It's HOt!

It's waay hot! Also, my Prisiq makes me super hot and sensitive to the sun anyway, so yeah, I feel like I am having hot flashes. I start Clomid tom. and hope I only have to take one dose (a la preggors). On another note, I am getting baptized next week.

Can borderlines become foster parents?

Hubby and I have been talking a long time about becoming foster parents. I have my doubts if "they" will let me , though. I called the local adoption/foster place today. The lady wasn't in , but I left amessage for her to call me. It's been about a year and a half of us trying to get pregnant and I'm so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. At the get together, I rocked and read to niecey poo #2 and it fel tso right. Humph.

Merry Christmas!

so, just got back from the third , of our four Christmas parties. I"m quite surprised I haven't gone borderline. I'm keeping pretty calm. I get an assesment to see my old pdoc that moved to a different place in January. NOt preggo yet. Older sister is trying for a third(so annoying) Gonna try subbing after New Years again, along with my job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Finances have been freakin my out, but got some Christmas money from family. Thank God. I'm really upset about my weight. I'm getting like this freakin pouch thing. Ugg. Has pristiq caused weight gain for anyojhe else? I"m only on 50 mg.?? I haven't killed my husband yet, then again he's off work 'til Jan. 4th. (for threee weeks)-so there's still time hee hee
I had a few meltdowns before and after the inlaws came over for supper, but my monthly finnally started and that has helped (gross, I know, but just saying how it is) Fingers crossed. Peace.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was going to not go to a family party today, but I've been feeling a lot better so I'm gonna go. I've been very um... hormonal lately.
My thyroid test came back fine and it's exciting to start thinking about getting pregnant. HOpefully, my hormones will be all straightend out in a couple months.
I might start tutoring a little boy next week, but this time I"m demanding pay. I'll still be a home care aide (mostly cleaning), but I'm glad to be getting a more fulfilling extra job. Plus, I'll be doing the tutoring out in the community, and that always helps me.

"So , I don't need a doctor's note to get pregnant?"...

Ha! My husband and I were very relieved and happy yesterday. We saw a non-biased specialist in the baby and psych med field. He was awesome. He told us the actual risks of having a baby on klonopin and wasn't an ass. He was very sensitive and professional. Yeah! (Just what we needed) He told us to definately find another obgyn, one we were comfortable with and could talk to...so we will.

"You need a doctor's note to get pregnant"

I had a great borderline breakthrough this evening. On September 11th, I went to see a obgyn (known to be one of the finest in the county). I was excited. My husband even came with me. We joked about the equipment as we waited in the examination room.
We were excited, yet nervous becasue I was having problems conceiving.
Anyway, the first thing he did was tell me that he didn't want me to "try" any more becasue I was taking klonopin ( a category d med). He then further berated me, making me feel like a fool and a crazy person. Not once did he ask why I was taking the medication, if I could come off of it. He was completely ignorant about mental illness, thus his outward stigma.
We went home and Hubby cried. He was in shock. I held it in, until this evening. I let myself feel the pain, the anger towards the doctor for being an ass, and the anger towards God for making me this way.
After voluntarily hospitalizing myself in the psych ward a couple weeks after that visit, feeling like cutting, acting like a six-year old, being mean and lashing out at my husband and others, making my life miserable and depressed... after all that, I finally let myself feel the pain I had been holding in since that visit.
Feeeling the pain wasn't fun, but the relief and outlook I had afterwards was better than any arm slicing and dicing, any self-inflicted depressive state I could put myself in, or any violence I could have caused.
Praise God I have the strength inside of me to deal with feeling so tormented for so long and being able to deal with it in a theraputic, healthy way (no matter how long ago the event was). This testimony is to give strength to all of us borderlines, suffering, in recovery, or otherwise. It is possible to get your happy back.

Update on changes

I saw my new therapist yesterday. I really like her because I can tell she's really good with borderlines. I know she'll hold me accountable if I start to get dramatic or manipulative. The past therapists I've been seeing, I've kinda been able to walk all over them, but I know I need someone to keep me in line and call me out on things. It really helps me (although I don;'t always want to hear it as first) to become a healthier, happier borderline.
And my new pdoc? I've been calling tons of places, but they either aren't taking new patients or I have to see their therapists to get in. I was running out of people on the list they gave me, and finally called the pdoc I had when I was first getting help(I was around 14 years old) It's funny 'cause he was really old when I was a teenager and has to be pushing 80, but he'll have to do (and I always liked him, anyway). I also need to see someone soon to be able to decrease my klonopin in a healthy way since we're trying for a baby.
Baby update: I've been seeing a doctor who does Neurolink and he is helping me to straight out my hormones so I can conceive one of these days.
That's all for now.

Pms

bawling about not getting pregnant and yelllng at husband at the same time fun fun fun

What's UP?

Well, I haven't been subbing becasue of my tutoring gigs. I am going to expand it into the summer. I'm going to recruit hich schoolers and hopefuly, in two years it'll turn itno something big. Fingers crossed. I'm getting frustrated about not getting pregnant, but I know I need to learn to be patient. I have this fear that I'll have S.A.D. this summer (6th summer in a row) and my tutoring program will go dwon the toilet because of it. Ho hum..

sick

I woke up Friday and my throat killed. By Sunday, I seriously thought I had strep, but today, I just have the signs of a bad cold, maybe mixed in with a little bronchial infection. I've watched practically all the good movies on our movie channels and I finished my book. So, I might paint betweeen naps.
Good news- I'm going to be tutoring this seven-year old Mexican boy. I met with him and his family last week and they are so sweet! I'm making plans to really branch out my free tutoring program. I'm planning on recruiting some high school students who need the service hours and am going to call my college teacher and ask her about grant money. Wish me luck!
Oh, i'm not pregnant, but we're still trying.

update

haven't posted for a while. didn;t feel like writing about the times I've been down and uM, I also had a cutting incindent. But, on the upside, I think I amy be pregnant! And this mommy (soon to be) is living helthier than ever (exercisining in the morning, taking vitamins, being "mindful" of emotions) I think that the idea that someone is grwoing inside of you really makes you start to take control of things. My husband and I are very excited and please have us in your prayers.
Also, I"m getting lots of calls about my tutoring gig.