Must say no

to sleep. Lately, I've been sleeping waayy too much. I thinks it's because the weather is colder and my bed is so damn comfy. I'm gonna make myself get up tom. annd go to the mental health place and hang out. I'm kinda bummed that I'm not getting called to sub. I hope things start picking up soon.

Taking A Plunge

I've decided to go back to school and get my degree in elementary education. It's what I always wanted to do. I'm terrified, but am going to make myslef stick with it. I don't know what my area of concentration will be yet, but I have some time to think about it. I don't care if it takes me 10 years to get my bachelor's degree, I'm a smart girl , I have tons of potential, It's just that my fear of rejection and failure has been in the way. But, I know once I'm back in school again, I'll be very motivated and looking forward to class.

God, I hope it's the moon

Okay, so I've been having mood swings the past few days. The bad ones where Ifeel hopelesss and depresssed. I was blog-hopping and another BPD blog said somehing about it being a full moon and how that efffects our mental stability. Since I can't figure out what it is, and since I am not looking forward to dealing with another horrible depression like in the summer, I hope it's just the moon.

Closure

I've been "borderline depressed" off and on a few past weeks. I think it has to not getting closure with this person I had a huge blowout with the end of summer. This person is not working on himself or is not in therapy, so how do I teeell him about the importance of closure and how unhealthy this is for me? He's kind of brushed it off, but I think becasue of not talking about it, it's spun me into being borderline. Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this- to feel better about not having closure with something that affected my life so much?

Limits

I finally called the person I've been tutoring for a volunteer thing since the bewgginiing of summer. She wants way too much class time and a set class schedule-two things I can't give her with having a job and now being the head of a mental health newsletter. In the summer it was fine becasue I wasn't working and wasn't working on building up my support system. But I dediced that it's time I got selfish. Working on this newletter will be very helpful for me-I'll be around my friends and be using the opportunity of beign at the mental helath center for groups to improve my cping skills. Plus, I love the fact that I can being in money and help Hubby with the bills. Later on, we'll be looking for a house. I had my stomache in a knot all week becasue of my tutoring situation, but I finally decided to get my shit together and do something that will actuually benfit me for once.

Getting Better

After a couple weeks of resting, I got out of the house last night. We were gonna go mall walking, but I finally had to tell Hubby I was done after a half lap. At least I'm doing stuff again. Good thing , too, becasue I have a presentation tom. for a client.
The good thing about being confined to the apartment was that I found out that yes, I can hang out by myself and still have fun. It took me a while , but I finally could embrace my solitude. I call it "finding my happy."
Everyone gets so scared of being bored or alone, but you can be creative and find things to do and have fun even if you are all alone for weeks. It also gives you time to think and you get insight on things you normally wouldn't if you were distraccted by society. That's my take on it.

sick

Well, I've had the flu or something flu-like since Thursday. It's been really hard staying positive when I feel so bad and am confined to the apartment. I've taken up journaling, with the blogiing so I can still write down personal stuggles, but ones that are too personal to post. I was reading a BPD blog the other day. THey were talking about the DBT skill-act the oppostie. It really got me thinking about how I've completely let my emotions control my reactions this past year. I need to be more mindful and think before I act. I will only lead a chaotic life if I keep this up and I don't want that.