S.E.T. therapy from bpdfamily.com

"So , I don't need a doctor's note to get pregnant?"...

Ha! My husband and I were very relieved and happy yesterday. We saw a non-biased specialist in the baby and psych med field. He was awesome. He told us the actual risks of having a baby on klonopin and wasn't an ass. He was very sensitive and professional. Yeah! (Just what we needed) He told us to definately find another obgyn, one we were comfortable with and could talk to...so we will.

Halloween Stuff

Made:
ghost and pumpkin cookies to give out
Still left to make:
Halloween trail mix
Gonna add:
halloween toys in the goodie bags
excited 'cause:
get to give said bags to friends and family
also excited 'cause:
both nieces are going trick or treating

"You need a doctor's note to get pregnant"

I had a great borderline breakthrough this evening. On September 11th, I went to see a obgyn (known to be one of the finest in the county). I was excited. My husband even came with me. We joked about the equipment as we waited in the examination room.
We were excited, yet nervous becasue I was having problems conceiving.
Anyway, the first thing he did was tell me that he didn't want me to "try" any more becasue I was taking klonopin ( a category d med). He then further berated me, making me feel like a fool and a crazy person. Not once did he ask why I was taking the medication, if I could come off of it. He was completely ignorant about mental illness, thus his outward stigma.
We went home and Hubby cried. He was in shock. I held it in, until this evening. I let myself feel the pain, the anger towards the doctor for being an ass, and the anger towards God for making me this way.
After voluntarily hospitalizing myself in the psych ward a couple weeks after that visit, feeling like cutting, acting like a six-year old, being mean and lashing out at my husband and others, making my life miserable and depressed... after all that, I finally let myself feel the pain I had been holding in since that visit.
Feeeling the pain wasn't fun, but the relief and outlook I had afterwards was better than any arm slicing and dicing, any self-inflicted depressive state I could put myself in, or any violence I could have caused.
Praise God I have the strength inside of me to deal with feeling so tormented for so long and being able to deal with it in a theraputic, healthy way (no matter how long ago the event was). This testimony is to give strength to all of us borderlines, suffering, in recovery, or otherwise. It is possible to get your happy back.

a joke I just made up

Random person: "so, what's your deal?"

Me: "yeah, I have selective mutism."

Random person: "So, what's that like?"

Me: "I don't wanna talk about it."

Update on changes

I saw my new therapist yesterday. I really like her because I can tell she's really good with borderlines. I know she'll hold me accountable if I start to get dramatic or manipulative. The past therapists I've been seeing, I've kinda been able to walk all over them, but I know I need someone to keep me in line and call me out on things. It really helps me (although I don;'t always want to hear it as first) to become a healthier, happier borderline.
And my new pdoc? I've been calling tons of places, but they either aren't taking new patients or I have to see their therapists to get in. I was running out of people on the list they gave me, and finally called the pdoc I had when I was first getting help(I was around 14 years old) It's funny 'cause he was really old when I was a teenager and has to be pushing 80, but he'll have to do (and I always liked him, anyway). I also need to see someone soon to be able to decrease my klonopin in a healthy way since we're trying for a baby.
Baby update: I've been seeing a doctor who does Neurolink and he is helping me to straight out my hormones so I can conceive one of these days.
That's all for now.

She's Given Up Talking by: Paul Mc Cartney ( asong about selective mutism)