Does anyone else...

have a love/hate relationship with their mom? HOw are other borderlines' relationships with their moms? I'm curious.

I feel...

bad for not blogging for a bit, so here goes:
I had two triggers the other day. Everything was going find, I had a project, then bam: everything turned to the black side of my white and black thinking. I thought about suicide, why was I still around? Did I have a purpose? I really couldn't believe it happened so fast-I was feeling wonderful an hour before.
So, I knew it was my good ole bpd, but this still didn't help need to not feel sooo horiible. So, I took charge and called a crisis line. The lady was really nice. I tried my best to not bring emotional, chaotic drama into the conversation. Anyway, we hashed some plans out about what I could do with my time, more work ideas, etc. I got off the phone and had a plan. Hubby was very happy with me, for "coping" with those overwhelming feelings of yuck. I am , too.
Also, we are budgeting our money, and will hopefully be out of debt soon. We've also budgeted money for my therapist. I will not see her unless I decide not to "cope" well with something. I had to write this down as an agreement for Hubby and sign it-good accountability there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention-sometimes I use this blog to vent or go on about something I'm dealing with at the time. I use it as a coping tool in that way. I'm quite introverted and don't have a huge support system, so I vent on my blog. Sometimes it just needs to get out. I wish my friends could understand my bpd and that I am just venting, but that's okay. BPD is a very complicated thing and I don't want to put them through that: a rant, etc.
Toodles!

For Valentine's Day...

I saw my psychiatrist! It's a stupid holiday , anyway. so much pressure to have a good one, and good sex-sooo dumb.
Anywho, I had an appointment anyway, but a few days before my monthly , I had been getting paraniod, and I thought bad stuff and I usually get scared that the cops are out to get me, so my mom took me. It wasn't too bad. I have to up my Seroqual on those few days, which makes me soooo tired. I thought I was goin to get fired since I was late today for work, but at least I wasn't paranoid. I know I have tons of grammer mispells here , but I don't care and u probably can't understand , but I am doped up a bit. Hope u had a good day.

Facebook chat is...

totally awesome! Since I'm introverted yet want to talk, I looooove it! So happy for technology! Still trying to find more work. Still trying to keep my spririts up and always workin on my recovery!

update

I have been-cleaning, working, crafting, getting financial stuff straightened out with Hubby, taking care of things.
I have seen so many bpd blogs out there where people are really struggling-going in and out of the hospital, cutting, etc.
Listen fellow borderlines, I know taking care of yourself is hard waaay hard, but if I can do it-you can too! I hate the "gray areas", too. Boredom can be really frightening, I know, but I have decided to end my own personal chaos, 'cause I'd rather be living and dealing with life vs. being treated like a mental patient and acting out like a mental patient. There is hope. It's a long road, but YOU CAN DO IT! Love, Steph