I haz a happee?

I feel so much better and I think it's becasue i've just endured a week away from my enabling mother, henceforth-giving me my self esteem, courage, self motivation, and empowerment back! It's been a while since I've felt this good and the horrible week I've had of trying to deal without her has soooo been worth it. I can do things by myself. I can do things for myself. I can.

We Haz house

but unsettling, worried nerves from it.
had to go to the E.r yesterday to get an atavan and a prescription for Trazadone. My stomache has been killing me. I hate change and i guess my body has responded.

Damn my selective mutism

so, we just got back from bible study. It was really cool in the beginning. We had nice discusions and stuff. But at the end, I found out that the women were to do the prayer request thing upstairs, seperate from the guys (Hubby), and I panicked, but tried to deal. I had done a pretty good job of commenting on the sermon notes downstairs during the discussion, but then again , it's a lot like therapy, and I'm used to that kind of atmosphere, and no one else really had the guts to talk, so it was all good.
But then, like I said , we went upstairs to chat and stuff. Oh, god, I don't know if the other women hate me , or whatever, but I felt like self harming. I was so mad at myself for not being accepted and for not being chatty and for not being normal. But now, I've calmed down and thought about it. I guess you can't be mad at something you have no control over (my selective mutism), but I do have control over my self talk and my choice of self harming or not. It's just so hard when you feel like the freak of the group and are so scared to talk. I hate it and that shit is so dreadfully painful. I go for my husband and I mean, I want friends and to know people from our church, but it's sooo hard to interact. Ugg.

Time to finally grow up?

With having BPD, acting, or rather reacting to situations like a 6-year old comes so naturally. Throwing fits, freaking out when stress comes your way, shutting down when something bad happens- all part of it, but does it have to be? I hope not.
I've tried journaling, planning my day, etc. I just haven't "found my happy" or had some peace for a long period of time for the last two years. And no one wants to be admitted to the psych ward just to have the leading psychiatrist tell you to stop acting like a child. So, what to do? I think the journey begins with finding yourself. Who you really are, what you really like, what you are really all about. I have been so happy and calm and self loving before for long periods of time, but how did I get there? Hmmm. Somewhere I picked up some self esteem and self pride-by actually doing things for myself and by myself. I didn't let others enable me, even though I could've easily let them and I stepped up to the plate, even though I was terrified or just too tired, it is so much easier just to go back to bed in the morning when you turn off the alarm clock-Am I rignt? Also, I worked on my identity issues (another toughie) Instead of just "doing hobbies" or "working on crafts", I tried new things, even though I could easily mess it up. I checked out new stuff, new people and it was Awesome!
So...I guess I need to renew my knowledge on the subject of living a great life with BPD and well, grow up. I mean, I do turn 30 in a few months. I think it's time!

Cure for bpd: exhaustion!

at least for a little while! I have increased my work schedule since we are getting a house, and it's been great for my self esteem, depression , and BPD. I am also moving to a different town and very excited to start a new chapter in my life. I will have a yard, a two car garage and a basketball hoop in the driveway. Rock on!

update

got my period, so the two weeks of horror are finally over! And we are house hunting! It's very exciting and I am finally feeling better!