A conversation

"I'm bored."

"Then,go play or, you can help me was windows."

"I hate washing windows."

"Then go play."

"I can't"

"Why?"

"Because I can't"

"why can't you?"

"The other kids don't want me in the clubhouse."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why? Did you even ask?"

"No, but-"

"Go ask. You can't just say they don't want you to play if you don't ask."

"They won't. I just know it."

"NO, you don't know it. They might let you play. How are you ever gonna make friends if you don't go ask? They might like you. You don't know. Now go ask."

Then, the misunderstood, little girl picked up the nearest potted plant and threw it at her mother. She got five spankins for it.

More music therapy

Dear mom,
I hate you so much! rot in hell. You made me a bad person.
But, Please never give up on me and always call me back when I leave a message. I need you.

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"borderline" song? Reminds of the book title " I hate you-don't leave me"

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from: Not Very Talented.com

"you must be this tall to ride"

Yep, I've definitely jumped on the emotional roller coaster. Actually, I've been on it awhile. My triggers have included: not getting my period, my hormones being screwed up, being mad at myself for not losing weight, and having bronchitis, being isolated, and feeling lonely and unvalidated.
But, I think the first step for me to get off of it is to admit (gulp), I have been reacting like a six-year old. I am "borderline moody" and impulsive.
I HATE having to admit that. I've been blaming so many ohter things and other people for behaving the way I have. I haven't slown down to really acknowledge that I have the ability to control how I react to things.
Maybe, now I can begin that journey of trying to get off the roller coaster and find some peace.
I'll keep you updated.

Couldn't Sleep and was wondering...

Why???????????????????????????

Dearest parental units,

Mom,
We are never going to paint together from the Donna Dewberry book unless you learn the S.E.T. therapy method. You are my biggest bpd trigger, but won't learn shit about the diagnosis and you still think you have all the answers. Guess what? Having BPD doesn't make me a horrible person, even when I'm struggling. You are a stubborn pain in the ass, so we can't be friends. I will see you on the holidays and/or when the girls come over. Good bye and good luck

Dad,
YOu have bronchitis. Going to work will make it worse. Stop being such an asshat and take a week off-don't go to Nean's to work-rest. Working will only make it worse. It could even turn into pneumonia. Do you want that? You are even contagious. You are stubborn and proud and you piss me off. Grrrr.

wee tidbits about myself

1. I cuss like a sailor.

2. My mom called me "Reffers" when I was little. I don't know why.

3. I hate having my hair wet. However, I don't own a blowdryer, 'cuz I hate that feeling more(blowdrying my hair.)

4. I've only had my nails manicured once in my life (for my wedding)

5. I don't own any designer clothes.

6. I was raised Catholic, but left the Catholic church five years ago.

7. I hate cleaning the shower/tub. I don't mind cleaning the toilet, though.

What about you?

Bitch Session

I am late for my period by 16 days, but I've been taking HPT's but they're negative. Of course, I've also been going to a chiroprachtor, for Neurolink, but all I'm getting is black hairs on my chin (like I need more), from his adjustments.
question: WTF?

Also, when president Obama said he'd be getting troops out of Iraq, he forgot to mention to the world that he'd be putting them and more into Afghanistan. Again, WTF?

Why can't the media stop talking about the Gosselins? I am soooo sick of that family.

I have a problem with our bible study group Hubby and I have been recently going to. I cuss like a marine, soldier(whatever that saying is). I've already said, "dirty little whore" last week. I'm so scared I'll drop the "f-bomb." They all know their bible stories and don't watch cable and stuff. And I was raised Catholic. Houston, we have a problem.

People of Walmart are here boo ha ha

I'm sure a lot of people know about the website, People of Walmart. It's just pictures of uh, interesting? people at your local Walmart. We went there yesterday (Walmart) and it was like looking at the site. Told hubby that we needed to take our cameras there sometime and get some great pics for the site. For example, people in full camo outfits or wearing all kind of rebel flag crap.
But, personally, I think it's okay to wear your pjs to Wal-mart at 10:30 at night, I mean, it IS WalMart.

Halloween in a week checklist

carved a pumpkin-check

filled goodie bags-check

made a pie-check

S.E.T. therapy from bpdfamily.com

"So , I don't need a doctor's note to get pregnant?"...

Ha! My husband and I were very relieved and happy yesterday. We saw a non-biased specialist in the baby and psych med field. He was awesome. He told us the actual risks of having a baby on klonopin and wasn't an ass. He was very sensitive and professional. Yeah! (Just what we needed) He told us to definately find another obgyn, one we were comfortable with and could talk to...so we will.

Halloween Stuff

Made:
ghost and pumpkin cookies to give out
Still left to make:
Halloween trail mix
Gonna add:
halloween toys in the goodie bags
excited 'cause:
get to give said bags to friends and family
also excited 'cause:
both nieces are going trick or treating

"You need a doctor's note to get pregnant"

I had a great borderline breakthrough this evening. On September 11th, I went to see a obgyn (known to be one of the finest in the county). I was excited. My husband even came with me. We joked about the equipment as we waited in the examination room.
We were excited, yet nervous becasue I was having problems conceiving.
Anyway, the first thing he did was tell me that he didn't want me to "try" any more becasue I was taking klonopin ( a category d med). He then further berated me, making me feel like a fool and a crazy person. Not once did he ask why I was taking the medication, if I could come off of it. He was completely ignorant about mental illness, thus his outward stigma.
We went home and Hubby cried. He was in shock. I held it in, until this evening. I let myself feel the pain, the anger towards the doctor for being an ass, and the anger towards God for making me this way.
After voluntarily hospitalizing myself in the psych ward a couple weeks after that visit, feeling like cutting, acting like a six-year old, being mean and lashing out at my husband and others, making my life miserable and depressed... after all that, I finally let myself feel the pain I had been holding in since that visit.
Feeeling the pain wasn't fun, but the relief and outlook I had afterwards was better than any arm slicing and dicing, any self-inflicted depressive state I could put myself in, or any violence I could have caused.
Praise God I have the strength inside of me to deal with feeling so tormented for so long and being able to deal with it in a theraputic, healthy way (no matter how long ago the event was). This testimony is to give strength to all of us borderlines, suffering, in recovery, or otherwise. It is possible to get your happy back.

a joke I just made up

Random person: "so, what's your deal?"

Me: "yeah, I have selective mutism."

Random person: "So, what's that like?"

Me: "I don't wanna talk about it."

Update on changes

I saw my new therapist yesterday. I really like her because I can tell she's really good with borderlines. I know she'll hold me accountable if I start to get dramatic or manipulative. The past therapists I've been seeing, I've kinda been able to walk all over them, but I know I need someone to keep me in line and call me out on things. It really helps me (although I don;'t always want to hear it as first) to become a healthier, happier borderline.
And my new pdoc? I've been calling tons of places, but they either aren't taking new patients or I have to see their therapists to get in. I was running out of people on the list they gave me, and finally called the pdoc I had when I was first getting help(I was around 14 years old) It's funny 'cause he was really old when I was a teenager and has to be pushing 80, but he'll have to do (and I always liked him, anyway). I also need to see someone soon to be able to decrease my klonopin in a healthy way since we're trying for a baby.
Baby update: I've been seeing a doctor who does Neurolink and he is helping me to straight out my hormones so I can conceive one of these days.
That's all for now.

She's Given Up Talking by: Paul Mc Cartney ( asong about selective mutism)