Well,

I guess i;m doing pretty good. I've been able to go down to 150mg of Seroqual and I've been able to go to sleep alright. We bought an ovultaion kit last night and having lots of baby talk. I survived the holidays. The kidddies go back to school on Tues, so I'll have some jobs and I start my college class on the twelth.

I survived

a first of three Holiday family parties. Actually, it was pretty fun. Two left to go. Fingers crossed.

I'm going to try to

stay away from my tiggers aka my batshit crazy family. I decided to go back down on my Serouaual to 200, but try really hard to work on my coping skills and just kickin it with Hubby and myslef. I don't need the stress of my mom right now or my dad bitchin about my mom or my sister bitchin about my dad or my other sister just bitchin. I can't be on such low dose of Serouqual if I'm gonna be around that. Whew@ I'm kind of scared becasue Hubby will be signing up for unemployment Mon. He works for a company that makes car parts. They are gonna shut down the plant, but don't know how long. That's all for now.

Gpa update and stuff

Stuff doens'nt look too good for my grandpa. His blood test came back abnormal and he is scheduled to have a CT Scan tom. I was supposed to sub today, but all the schools closed becasue of the ice. I have pilates tonight, so I'm glad I get to channel my strees and worries by workin it.

Changes

Well, I was going to go down to 150 mg of Seroqual yesterday, but I've started to feel really bad. I go into stores and seee all the Christmas crap and want to throw up. Plus, my granpa is going downhill and that is reallly woorying/stressing me, so I decided to go back up to 250mg. I feeel a lot calmer today and more like myself. My stomache isnt in a knot and I don't feel sick. Oh yeh, my pdoc is going to give me a prescription for a light box. Yeah!

I"m ready

for Christmas. With the help of Hubby, we have all of our goodies baked and presents bought and wrappped. Go us! And I only came away with one blister from burning myself making peanut brittle. He will be off work for two and a half weeks, and so will I since the kids will be on Christmas break, so we are planning to go to the gym a lot, maybe go on a short trip, and watch a lot of movies. I'm doing really well on my decrease of Seroqual. I see the pdoc Monday and might be able to decrease it to 150 mg. That's all for now.

Graph funny

Items baked so far

peanut brittle
suger cookies
chocolate-dipped pretzels
lasagna (for supper tonight)

Not up to writing

, but I just wanted to say that things are going greeeeaaaat!

Update

Well, I worked Monday and Today. Monday night, Hubby and I joined the gym and I went to my first pilates class. Feel the burn! Everyone was really nice and I'm going again on Saturday morning. It felt really goood to work out. We have sticky toffee pudding in the oven, to bring to Hubby's aunts tom, then we're going to my anunt's house the day after Thanksgiving. I"m also going to look into a lightbox, maybe that will help me not sleeep so much. Happy thoughts.

A funny

I'm gonna blame

my excessive sleeping on my new, comfy bed and the cold weather. I don't know what the deal is. I'm sleeping well into the afternoon on days I don't work (which is a lot because I only got called once last week.) My shrink and I have decided to decrease my Seroqual. I'm on 250 from 300 mg. I'll decrease to 200 again at the end of next week. I'm going to keep decreasing to see how little I can live on.
I feel guilty about the sleeping, but it feels like I have nothing else to do. I've signed up for a college class for the spring semester, so maybe that'll help. I have it two days a week , in the morning. Hubby and I are also gonna get memberships to the gym. We've both gained weight since we've been married and we no likey.
Oh yeah, the reason I talked to my pdoc about decreasing my meds is that Hubby and I may try to get pregnant at the end of next summer (if everything goes ok) I hope to God that I don't have another depression like last summer, but my Prozac has been a godsend.
I just kinda have to get through these boring days, maybe find a hobby, probably post a lot, and make sure I don't get borderline becaue of the boredom. Hubby has vacation until Dec. 1st at work. I need prayers.

Excitement!

So many good things to type about. First of all, sinced I've been getting the experience of being a teacher's aide last year and this year, I finally found out what ages I want to work with and have been contacting the college-very awesome! I'm really glad I have experience working with all kinds of kids and different age groups, so I could make a bettter decidsion-I am going to be a preschool teacher (one of these years), but I'm so happy that I finally found out what I really want todo with my life.
Last night, I had a BPD breakthrough. I felt angry and cheated with my husband. I was either going to start a dramamtic fight or just go to bed, depresssed (probably waking up in the morning , feeling worse. ) But no, out of nowhere, I took the high road and announced to my husband that I was angry. Then, we talked about why and made a lot of healthy changes. I'm so happy he's so patient with me and willing to communicate. This is a big thing, since I've acted on my emotions for about over a year, not thinking , just becoming dramatic, or going inside myself-all depressed. Good day, eh?

Tuday

First of all, don't forget to vote.
Everything's prety good on the homefront and has been really good lately. Hubby and I atteneded a marriage seminar through our church that freakin rocked. I'm working on gettting back into school. I"m also trying to enjoy my solitude. That's about it for now.

Must say no

to sleep. Lately, I've been sleeping waayy too much. I thinks it's because the weather is colder and my bed is so damn comfy. I'm gonna make myself get up tom. annd go to the mental health place and hang out. I'm kinda bummed that I'm not getting called to sub. I hope things start picking up soon.

Taking A Plunge

I've decided to go back to school and get my degree in elementary education. It's what I always wanted to do. I'm terrified, but am going to make myslef stick with it. I don't know what my area of concentration will be yet, but I have some time to think about it. I don't care if it takes me 10 years to get my bachelor's degree, I'm a smart girl , I have tons of potential, It's just that my fear of rejection and failure has been in the way. But, I know once I'm back in school again, I'll be very motivated and looking forward to class.

God, I hope it's the moon

Okay, so I've been having mood swings the past few days. The bad ones where Ifeel hopelesss and depresssed. I was blog-hopping and another BPD blog said somehing about it being a full moon and how that efffects our mental stability. Since I can't figure out what it is, and since I am not looking forward to dealing with another horrible depression like in the summer, I hope it's just the moon.

Closure

I've been "borderline depressed" off and on a few past weeks. I think it has to not getting closure with this person I had a huge blowout with the end of summer. This person is not working on himself or is not in therapy, so how do I teeell him about the importance of closure and how unhealthy this is for me? He's kind of brushed it off, but I think becasue of not talking about it, it's spun me into being borderline. Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this- to feel better about not having closure with something that affected my life so much?

Limits

I finally called the person I've been tutoring for a volunteer thing since the bewgginiing of summer. She wants way too much class time and a set class schedule-two things I can't give her with having a job and now being the head of a mental health newsletter. In the summer it was fine becasue I wasn't working and wasn't working on building up my support system. But I dediced that it's time I got selfish. Working on this newletter will be very helpful for me-I'll be around my friends and be using the opportunity of beign at the mental helath center for groups to improve my cping skills. Plus, I love the fact that I can being in money and help Hubby with the bills. Later on, we'll be looking for a house. I had my stomache in a knot all week becasue of my tutoring situation, but I finally decided to get my shit together and do something that will actuually benfit me for once.

Getting Better

After a couple weeks of resting, I got out of the house last night. We were gonna go mall walking, but I finally had to tell Hubby I was done after a half lap. At least I'm doing stuff again. Good thing , too, becasue I have a presentation tom. for a client.
The good thing about being confined to the apartment was that I found out that yes, I can hang out by myself and still have fun. It took me a while , but I finally could embrace my solitude. I call it "finding my happy."
Everyone gets so scared of being bored or alone, but you can be creative and find things to do and have fun even if you are all alone for weeks. It also gives you time to think and you get insight on things you normally wouldn't if you were distraccted by society. That's my take on it.

sick

Well, I've had the flu or something flu-like since Thursday. It's been really hard staying positive when I feel so bad and am confined to the apartment. I've taken up journaling, with the blogiing so I can still write down personal stuggles, but ones that are too personal to post. I was reading a BPD blog the other day. THey were talking about the DBT skill-act the oppostie. It really got me thinking about how I've completely let my emotions control my reactions this past year. I need to be more mindful and think before I act. I will only lead a chaotic life if I keep this up and I don't want that.

By: Paul McCartney

This defined me to a "T" in gradeschool. I"m glad that somone finallly wrote a song about selective mutism.

Check out the lyrics to "She's Given Up Talking" from his 2001 album Driving Rain:

Don't say a word
Even in the classroom
Not a dickie bird
Unlike other children
She's seen and never heard
She's given up talking
Don't say a word

You see her in the playground
Standing on her own
Everybody wonders
Why she's all alone
Someone made her angry
Someone's got her scared
She's given up talking
Don't say a word

Ah but when she comes home
It's yap-a-yap-yap
Words are running freely
Like the water from a tap
Her brothers and her sisters
Can't get a word in edgeways
But when she's back at school again
She goes into a daze

Ah but when she comes home
It's yap-a-yap-yap
Words are running freely
Like the water from a tap
Her brothers and her sisters
Can't get a word in edgeways
But when she's back at school again
She goes into a daze

She's given up talking
Don't say a word
Even in the classroom
Not a dickie bird
Unlike other children
She's seen and never heard
She's given up talking
Don't say a word

She's given up talking
She don't say a word

Wow!

I may have been living under a rock for the past few years. I've been web surfing and am just amazed by how many blogs there are on BPD and Selective Mutisim. And so many people speak from there hearts-it's great and reassures me that I'm not in this thing alone!
I have been sick the last three days with some sort of cold and have cabin fever like nobody's business. I went to the doctor yesterday and got tons of antibiotics plus a painful shot. Right now, the main problem is my nose is running like a faucet, but at least I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday. I was so miserable , I hoped somone would shoot me. It was baaaad. I need to get out of the house today. I might bring along two boxes of kleenex, but I have to get out of this house.

being married and borderline

Every time I go to see my shrink, I always get asked if I'm still married. I think a lot of people in the mental health field are schocked when they find out I am a Borderline, yet happily married. Then again, I can't blame them. When a borderline gets close to someone, they sometimes get rid of them if boredom occurs becaue they need a little chaos in their now settled life. My dating life was complete chaos before I met my husband and I liked it, I'm afraid to say. The breakups and maeups, the intessness, the highs and lows-exciting. But, they were alll losers and I never thought I'd marry. Then, I met my husband. Sure I"d go all borderline on him, but he wouldn't up it (which made me mad), he just stayed around
'til I cooled down. Yep, he was defintaely made for me. I'm so glad my husband understands me and knows I'm just "being borderline" when I tell hi8m hateful things and to leave me. If you are married and borderline, I would strongly encourage you to have your mate read "I hate you -don't leave me." My husband read it when we were dating and has a wonderful grasp on an ugly part of me.

Just some stuff

Today, I didn't work, but made myself get up and go walking and get some errrands done. I'm really proud of myself. I did not want to, and it felt good when I did. My last day at the temp job is tom. I don't really know how to feel about it. However, I am really worrried about bill paying. We make payments on a lot of things, but $20 here and $20 there can really add up. I need to find a way of finding my happy even though I am stressed about money. I also need to refile for Medicare. I really need the extra help becasue of all my meds. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm goihg to be praying more and perhaps even picking up the bible.

Saw my therapist

today. We talked about my not wanting to get up, then sleeping until the afternoon. She suggested that on days I don't work, to tell my husband my next days plans. Then , that might motivate me. She also suggested if I got up to go the bathroom or somehitng, to take a shower, then I'd probably feel like NOT going back to bed. I"m definately going to try these things. I need to get out of the house and moving on days I don't work. I know that if I walk early in the morning, i get all kinds of idead for plans to do for the rest of that day. Yep, getting up is very crucial, especially since the weather has beeen kind of chilly here and all you want t o do is snuggle back under the covers.

Sleeping

for some reason in the past week, it's beenlike I"ve really been needing a nap. Then I take one, but it still feels like I need more sleep. Maybe it's the increase in Prozac or maybe it's psychological, like I just want to escape the bordedom or soemthing. Hubby and I are going to my niece's b-day party tonight. I'm so excited that we have plans, it doesn't matter what kind of plans - just that we have plans. I could just sleep.

Let me introduce myself

For those of you who have never read my blog before I erased it-HI. I'm trying to train myself about the rules of happiness. I've been struggling with depression since May, so it's been hard. For example, it doesn't matter what you have or what you do, that will automaticallly make you happy-it's really who you are and how you look at things. That's really difficult to swallow. I compare myself to people with a better house or career, when really-does having those things make them happy? Does it really? It may or may not. I'm thinking of joining the gym and get on a regualr fitness schedule. I'm pissed that all of my hard work in college gave me a degree I can't/don't want to do much with. All that hard work and anxiety-Grrr and Waahh! I think it also didn't help that I didin't celbrate my degree. I should have thrown a party, but my thinking at the time was-I'm a nontradidtional student(why celebrate something so small) Again with the comparing. With having a borderline personality, it's so difficult to stay in the gray area of thinking. Something's usually all awesome or I want to die. After I moved out of my parent's house, I finally found "my happy"-ya know -how you're just chillin and fine with what you're doing. With the summer being so rough and being a newlywed, it's been hard to stay in my happy for a long period of time. I get scared my husband will leave me one day. That also goes along with being borderline-abandonment issues. I was so mad at a friend this summer, actually I was hurt, it's the silliest thing- I wanted to say mean things to make them cry, so they could feel the pain I felt. HOwever, it just got worst, and I just hurt more. Being borderline is really hard to live with most of the time. But, I know there are other fighters out there like me. YOu can do it. And you can be happy. Balance is crucial. I open up comments or questions to anyone fighting their borderline personality disorder. I think helping out each other is therapy in its own. If you want to self harm, go to theER right away. Whether you're doing it to deal or for attention purposes, it's not worth it-it never is. Don't be afraid. Just talk to someone. I know how empty you can feel inside. I know what it's like to want to cut your self just so you can feel somehting besides empytness. I know what it's like to feel all alone. I know what it's like to feel like no one can help you. I know what it's like to feel like a rejected loser. Someone who is so ugly, society should not even be able to stand to be around you. For everyone who needs to cry out, instead of hiding your cuts under your sleeves or locking yourself in your room , or going home with someone at a bar just to feel loved for a moment, comment. My ears are open.Also, my email address is:pigtails_80@yahoo.com.

Thursday

Work went really well today. So much, in fact, that I can see myself doing it full time. I really like the people I work with and I will miss them when this temporary positiion is over next Thursday. I've increased my prozac a week ago. I'm planning on going to the gym tom. That's about it.

I'm back

I deleted my blog for a while, but I really missed writing, plus WC e-mailed me if I was okay. (thanks, WC!) Well, I"m back subbing at the high school. I"m still tutoring and I might have a payed tutoring gig in a week or so. Hubby and I celbrated our 1st Anniversary on Monday. I can't believe it! I love him more now than ever. The summer was really rough with my depression and everything, but I'm looking forwards to fall and being healthy. That's all for now.